Tarantino and Bond

Rumors are swirling that Quentin Tarantino wants to direct Pierce Brosnan in an adaptation of Ian Fleming's "Casino Royale". I have very mixed feelings about this.

First, I think it's unlikely to ever happen. It's like Tarantino talking about waiting fifteen years to make Kill Bill: Vol 3. to allow the actress who played a very minor character in the first installment to grow up enough to resume the role as a young woman. This is just insane Tarantino bullshit which will never happen in a million, much less fifteen years. Tarantino talks non-stop bullshit, the internet fan-boys ejaculate it onto their websites, and within minutes even level-headed, otherwise reasonable people start believing it.

But with this story, it's not just Taratino talking bullshit. Pierce Brosnan, who has had some high profile disagreements with the Bond franchise Powers That Be lately, is talking up the idea. Inexplicably, he thinks it's a good idea. He wants to do it.

"Casino Royale" has already been filmed at least twice previously. It was actually the first adaptation of a Bond novel, appearing as an America television production in (I think) the 50s. Jimmy Bond was an American CIA Agent, and he battled a no doubt devious and cunning villain called Le Chiffre played by Peter Lorre, who was very fat at the time. It was also used as the basis, sort of, for the late 1960s Bond spoof film Casino Royale, starring David Niven, Peter Sellers, Woody Allen, and lots and lots of other people. In this film, Le Chiffre was played by Orson Welles, who was very fat at the time.

Apparently, after trying for decades, MGM has finally purchased the rights to this novel, and they may actually want to make a Bond film based on an Ian Fleming story, for the first time since the 80s.

So here's my take. If Tarantino were to make this film under the auspices of Eon Productions, which is responsible for the Bond franchise, then perhaps he could be reined in. Under these circumstances, it's possible that he would make not only an excellent Bond film, but also an excellent Quentin Tarantino film. However, without tight constraints imposed by the producers, Tarantino won't make a Bond film at all. He'll make a Tarantino film starring Pierce Brosnan as a character who just happens to be superficially similar to James Bond. This would be a disaster for the Bond franchise.

Kill Bill: Vol 1 made about $70 million in theaters. Kill Bill: Vol 2 probably won't make as much as that. If it hadn't been released in two parts, it probably would have had trouble making back it's production budget, which was unnaturally high due to Tarantino's famously undisciplined directing style. Die Another Day, on the other hand, made approximately $161 million domestically.

If Quentin Tarantino can make a Bond film, with the budget of a Bond film, and in so doing give up all of the control he has become accustomed to wielding over a film (including, most especially, the script), we could have a big winner. If, on the other hand, Tarantino insists on turning Casino Royale into a Tarantino film, it will be a nightmare.

Because I don't trust Tarantino to be willing or able to restrain himself (he's never done it in the past), I am left hoping desperately that the Bond franchise producers keep Tarantino as far away from their next film as possible.

Don't Worry

Hey guys I start my new job at Licoln Investment Planning on Monday so my little burden on society won't burden any one...even though no one in society ever did anything for him in the first place.

I will be an Administrative Assistant to a Broker and I get great benefits, all holidays paid, and lots of other goodies...even my own Dell computer!!! Woohoo!

Michael Powell needs to be stopped

For those of you who do not know Michael Powell is the head of the FCC. He is also the son of secretary of State Colin Powell, coincidence...I think not. Because of all the shit that has gone down spurred by the EVIL TIT OF DOOM, many stations (radio and TV) are scared and editing their content even further than they normally would. This is because the FCC is turning into Big Brother more and more every day (if you do not know what Big Brother is then...READ A BOOK!). Anyway today I heard two very ridiculous examples of self-censorship taken way too far.

Example 1: Jimmy Kimmel Live. On tonight's show Jimmy was talking about how all of the electronic equipment in his house all turned on at the same time and for no reason. Needless to say this "scared the bejesus out of me." Well ABC proceeded to let the "be" go and bleeped the "jesus." Now I am no religious scholar but is bejesus a religious word or slur and I am not aware?

Example 2: The Best Damn Sports Show Period. On tonight's show they were interviewing Josh Duhamel, one of the stars of the NBC show Vegas. One of the hosts was talking to him about all of the hot chicks that work on the show with him. One of these lovely ladies is Nikki Cox (who is really hot and married to Bobcat Goldwaith, which is an entirely new post unto itself). When they got to her name, they bleeped the Cox. Now this makes absolutely no fucking sense at all. It was probably an accident and whomever does the bleeping probably does not know the actress but c'mon aren't we going a little too far here.

This is one of the many many many reasons why Bush needs to be removed from office come November, so please everybody come together right now and vote him out.

Rental Reviews: Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003)

Starring Uma Thurman, Lucy Liu, Vivica A. Fox, Darryl Hannah
Written by Quentin Tarantino
Based on a character created by Quentin Tarantino and Uma Thurman
Directed by Quentin Tarantino

This is a rather difficult film to discuss for me. First of all, it was simply awful, probably the worth Tarantino film I've ever seen. On the other hand, it was very well made, has stunning cinematography, and is clearly the work of a confident, ambitious, and highly talented directed.

Trouble is, the film is so chock full of genre in-jokes (mostly relating back to martial arts films, or to Tarantino's own previous work) that there is no room for story, character, or even dialogue. And what little dialogue there is fails miserably to live up to Tarantino's reputation for crisp, effective, quirky dialogue. All of the best lines (such as "If, on your journey, you should encounter God... God will be cut") are directly lifted from martial films.

Every character in this film is unrelentingly serious and single-minded. None has any personality at all. They are all ruthless, ultra-violent psychopaths. They are differentiated only by costume and casting. On paper, they are identical.

The story, as thin as it is, isn't enough to fill out an hour-long television drama, much less 111 minutes of a theatrical film. Of course, this isn't entirely fair, since Kill Bill: Vol. 1 isn't a film, it's only the first half of a film. From what I've heard, the concluding portion throws considerable light on the questions of story, character background and motivation, and so on. Nevertheless, it is my (self-appointed) job to review this film as released.

I must say that Tarantino is a terrible disappointment to me. The man is clearly very gifted. And, as all talented directors should be encouraged to do, he makes films that he would like to see, as opposed to films that he thinks a mass audience would like to see. Unfortunately, I find the films he makes to be juvenile, puerile, sadistic, and ugly. His films, including this one, are highly stylized visually, but to no apparent purpose. This film is nothing but a series of hyper-stylized, over-the-top and overly long fight scenes, divided by long sequences of empty, stilted dialogue.

The film is mindless spectacle, but almost worth seeing for the spectacle alone. The script is inane, none of the acting is worthy of the term (in order to portray a character, there must be a character to portray), and the film has a most disturbing fetish for blood. It all operates on the mental/emotional level of a fourteen-year-old boy, and it's a shame that this target audience isn't allowed to see the film in theaters, where the gushing of blood would be at its most "fuckin' awesome".

Buy Kill Bill: Vol. 1 Now!

Cease Fire!

I was just thinking the other day "Boy, I wish people would post more!" I hope any lurkers out there are enjoying all this nastiness. I've got a few things to say on the subject of the recent "troubles", but I'm not going to say it here. This has gone beyond anything that can be dealt with on a blog.

One of the parties involved has asked me to delete these posts, just to return the Crewblog to some semblance of civility. I'm inclined to agree, but I didn't want to take any unilateral action. I'd like to know if anyone else has an opinion on this point, pro or con. I should make clear that the deletions would include Jenna's post, this post, and everything in between, and the deletion of a post does not imply that the post was in any way in violation of the Rules of CrewBlog, as if there were any such thing.

Any thoughts?

Oh, and let me just say this: the next CrewBlogger who posts one of these nasty attack pieces is getting tossed, permanently. I don't care how much righteous indignation you feel, or how much the recipient of the nastygram deserves it. Zero tolerance until further notice.

And don't hold your breath for the "further notice".

My two cents

It's been a while since I posted, mainly due to writing a 217 page thesis. While I have some great stories, including a good one about meeting an Indian girl who puts on webcam shows for money, I'll take my time to comment.

Give it up people! We're all supposed to be friends! Sure, Monica isn't a crew member, but she is the girlfriend of a crew member, and one would hope that we are friends who accept crew member's girlfriends. Sure, we're all not perfect, and we all have traits that others wish we didn't, but you have all been friends for so long for a reason, not by chance.

Does all this bitching really help? Are we so holier than thou that we have to make these things out to be epic catostrophes. I don't know the whole story, but take it easy. Deep breath. This is my advice, sage as always, to each of you.

Jay: If you offended someone, particularly someone you consider a friend or a girlfriend of a friend, it's not too unprecidented to appologize, even if you don't think you're wrong. You've known Jamie 20 years, swallow your pride. You know how serious Jamie takes Monica's opinion and feelings, why be steadfast when it could easily ruin your friendship? Is appologizing for making a comment someone found inappropritate that big of a deal?

Monica: If you were offended, and you shouldn't need to appologize for what does and doesn't offend you, you have every right to let the person know, even through Jamie. You should however know that these are Jamie's friends, and they should be important people in his life. Things are said without cruel intent amongst friends, and pointing out that certain things aren't cool is fine. However, you should WANT to make Jamie happy, which should mean not alienating him from his friends. You've been around the crew to understand that part of their 'charm', so to say, is their inappropriate comments, often said with no cruel intent. There have been many jokes about Drew's weight, Jay's lack of a job, Keith's lack of a job, Jamie's messy habits (pre-Monica), Jenna's choice in men, Rob going for high school girls, etc. We're all friends and we know this is in jest. I don't know exactly what happened, obviously, but if you feel an appology is in order than you should ask for it. If one is not given, then you shouldn't make all of Jamie's friends suffer for the one or two.

Jenna: You have the right to be upset about losing potential friends, but blasting their girlfriends on the crew weblog might not be the best way to go about trying to regain them. Maybe part of the reason that Regan doesn't like the crew is she knows the hostility that is there towards her. This could easily happen with Jamie and Monica.

Drew: Sorry about your backpack.

Jamie: As the middleman you should play peacemaker. It's not easy, but ideally you want both friends and a girlfriend. That means that they're probably going to have to be in the same place at the same time sometimes. Life ain't too much fun with no girlfriend and all friends, and life ain't too much fun down the road with a girlfriend and no friends. It's easy to side with one over the other, particularly if you think one is right, but try to get everyone to play nice with each other.

All in all, I think you should all go into one of those booths where you can shock the shit out of each other to vent your frustrations. Maybe the crewblog is good for this, but hopefully people don't take things to seriously. I'd hate to see the crew die over petty shit, even if I'm not a member of it.

Who are you to call anyone a dumb bitch?

Just because you accept the way your boyfriend dehumanizes and degrades you doesn't mean that that type of attitude is acceptable. Anyone who know anything about a woman from South Philadelphia would realize how proud they are of their heritage. To have such ignorance and classlessness to degrade that heritage in front of them is bad enough. But to not say I'm sorry when she tells you how she feels in unforgivable. If you want to say or think that kind of shit when you're not around her is fine, but, as a man, I will never let anyone degrade the ethnic background of the woman that I care for more than anything. It is ignorant and rude, but it is even more ignorant and rude to not admit that you are wrong and apologize for it. Take a class in humility and grace for once in your life.
There has been too many rude, insensitive comments going around for too long, and I'm sick and tired of it. I choose how I am going to spend my time and who I am going to spend my time with. I choose to spend as much time as I can with the woman I care about, maybe you should take a lesson from me. Anyone who has a girlfriend who he has stated in front of her that he wouldn't touch her, let alone fuck her, ever again for anything in the world obviously doesn't know what a true relationship is all about. And, to top that off, he stated that he wished he would kick her in the stomache while she was pregnant.
Now, who the fuck are you, Jenna, to call anyone a dumb bitch? You, who got pregnant a week after you started going out with someone and thought they were grown up enough to raise a child. And then to quit a job that provided benefits for that child because, boohoo, you couldn't spend enough time with your child is classless. Maybe you should take some lessons from a real woman, learn how to be treated properly by a man, and not expect everyone else around you to cater to you and provide for you and that child. You wanted to be a woman, step up to the plate. So, don't go around calling anyone else a dumb bitch until you look in the mirror. And, speaking of looking in the mirror, don't dare go calling anyone else "not that attractive" before you take a long hard look.
So again, the comment was made in bad taste and at the wrong time, and the situation could have been avoided if Jay had thought about what he said beforehand and, more importantly, apologized afterwards. But to think that I will stand for that disrespect is preposterous. And please, Jenna, don't come back attacking anybody else until you look at your own fucked up life and demand some respect from those you surround yourself with.

You have said too many horrible comments to make about others, so here is a dose of your own medicine:

It must be so difficult to wake up each morning (afternoon) knowing that you are a degenerate loser. It is one thing to accept the fact that you are a terrible person who can’t even be considered a man, but to act as if you are more knowledgeable and better than others is a pitiful defense mechanism. For a man (I wish I could call you one), to think it is okay not to work or provide money and health insurance for his only son is a disgrace! You are a low life who is only qualified to be America’s finest piece of white trash.
You are vulgar, uneducated and managed to impregnate south Jersey’s biggest whore within a month of your first sexual experience. Bravo, genius! At this point you should stop what you are doing (which is probably nothing), stand up and applaud yourself! You must be so happy, since you feel trapped into a commitment, with someone that you don’t even want to touch, let alone fuck! Maybe you feel that all women like to be insulted, degraded and belittled due to having a girlfriend who expects no respect, love or affection. Just a tip, real women do not tolerate shit like that from any man, let alone a scumbag like you.
You are such a coward to call your friend’s future bride a guinea, wop, Catholic and then attend her wedding. You would be so lucky to find Italian women like us, but let’s be realistic you would never have a chance with classy, intelligent, attractive ladies like us. You know your options and therefore stay with your white trash girlfriend since she is the only one who will have you.
Maybe others feel sorry for you because you are such an ignorant loser, who is going no where fast, that they will accept your verbal abuse out of pity. Well, the bottom line is I am too educated and worldly of a person to allow you to make ill-mannered comments towards me. You aren’t even fit enough to shine my shoes- hey, maybe that is the career choice for you! If you could see yourself, as society does, you would bury your head in the sand and never utter a word about another human being. Everyone knows his or her place in society, learn yours!

Ciao!

P.S. Poor baby wants to get insulted when his friend posts a piece of reality. What the truth hurts, scumbag? Parents without jobs, money, health insurance, a home, or future, decide to spend the little bit of money they have, due to their son, on themselves. I wonder why such selfish, incompetent, awful people are able to become parents and raise another ignorant burden that society will have to pay for one way or another.

I Am Not The Downfall of the Crew!!!

Despite what has been said in the past, I am not the downfall of the crew. I believe that it was stated by Drew that I would be the downfall of the crew for a few reasons. One being that Jay and I would get together and that we would end our relationship horribly and that the crew would split in half. The others reasons were similar but it was made clear that it would be my fault. This is not the case, and let me tell you why. If we take a stroll down memory lane you will probably agree with me.

A few years back the crew consisted of me, Jay, Ryan, Keith, Drew and Jamie. There are associates of the crew but we were the main people (there was Dan but he isn’t the subject of today’s topic). We are [were] a group of friends that would pretty much do anything for each other…until recently. First let’s talk about Ryan. Ryan has a girlfriend named Regan who we all thought was really cool at first. While I was away at school her true colors started to show through. She didn’t want Ryan to hang around with his friends as much, which can be understandable seeing as most people do spend more time with their significant other than their friends, but after a while it became extreme. She didn’t want him hanging out with us at all. And Ryan caved, he stopped answering his phone and returning our calls all together. We didn’t want to, but Ryan was written off as an acquaintance. I was also mad at Ryan because he never called when I had the baby. Now I have known him since the 7th grade and you think that a congratulations would be in order…nope. Now Kirsten Mildeo called to congratulate Jay…he hasn’t seen or talked to her in years. Pretty considerate for someone who isn’t even an acquaintance anymore.

Now the rest of us still stuck together, had parties and fun without him. We became accustomed to the crew being five not six. Well, Jay and I did get together (obviously) and had a baby and we still hang out when we get the chance. Maybe it isn’t as often as we would like but we still make it a point to stay friends with the crew. Now Keith also got a girlfriend and she is pretty cool. She likes us and even hangs out from time to time when she isn’t working. She never told Keith she didn’t like his friends and that he wasn’t allowed to see them. At least not to my knowledge, and if she did he obviously didn’t care. I still want to be Keith’s friend and I hope he feels the same way…maybe it was a misunderstanding that needs to be cleared up and lets hope it does. Lets just say it is still open for discussion (this is not the subject of today’s topic either).

Now Jamie has also started dating a girl named Monica. We liked her and she seemed pretty cool at first, but now Jamie is turning into Ryan. You see he doesn’t always answer his calls, and now he doesn’t always return them either. It is a shame really. You see Monica apparently gets offended easily. Drew said in passing that Liza (Keith’s girlfriend) was his favorite crew girlfriend. Now I am a crew girlfriend and I really don’t give a shit where I rank (as long as it is in second). Honestly, it really doesn’t bother me. But Monica became offended at this and Jamie had to call Drew and I don’t know what exactly was said but Drew felt that he needed to apologize to her because she is insane. He wanted to keep the peace and that is what he did.

Saturday night Jay, myself, Drew, Jamie and Monica all went to dinner at PJ Whelahan’s. We had a pretty good time and I went home early because I was tired, the rest of them went to Sharkey’s. From what I have been told from Jay, he and Drew were having a conversation and Jay used the word dego. Now he was not calling Monica a dego but seeing as she is Italian she had to overreact and try and one up Jay by telling him to think about that the next time he eats Italian food or admires an Italian car. Well, he could have cared less about the conversation but apparently it offended her to the point of no return. He told me that she and Jamie left the bar and that Drew left his backpack at Jamie’s apartment. So Drew called to see if he could stop by and pick it up…no answer. Surprise of all surprises! So he texted Jamie and when he got there it was sitting on the front stoop. Now I don’t know what exactly was in there but what if it was his laptop and somebody snatched it up…Jamie would be paying for a new one. You see Monica got so mad at Jay for a comment he made in a conversation that she wasn't even involved in that Drew was punished for this. So yesterday Jay got a call at 10:30 in the morning from Jamie and he bitched him out for insulting Captain Insano. He told him he should have stood up to Jay for her and that Jay shouldn’t be making fun of other people’s backgrounds. By the way Drew told us Monica was making Polish jokes in the car on the way to the bar…isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black. But you see since Jamie doesn’t want to lose Monica (I think that he believes he can’t do any better) he will probably repeat word for word what she said to him that night right to Jay. So Jay was told that Jamie wouldn’t be able to hang out with us when Monica is around so sianara Jamie…she is always around.

What is even more messed up is that Jay and Jamie have been friends for about 20 years. Way to throw away a friendship for a crazy girlfriend, who by the way is still married to a guy she wanted to divorce before the end of their first year of marriage. And it isn’t like Monica is all that hot, Jamie could find a much prettier girl who doesn’t treat him like garbage. But if he wants to be an asshole and give up his friends for a girl who will devastate and break his heart that is his decision. But he never has a right to make fun of Ryan again for the whole Regan situation. He is the exact replica of Ryan and he needs to take back everything he ever said about him because he too doesn’t have the balls to stick up to his girlfriend.

So Jenna is not the downfall of the crew…Regan and Monica you dumb bitches are. You have made our friends into ball-less boys that will give up their friends to be pushed around by you. So give yourselves a pat on the back…you are the downfall of the crew!

OLIVE BRANCH

All right here it is, everybody get your camcorders out and record this moment because I am going to act like an adult for a few moments (don't worry the moment will pass and I will transform back into a child in a moment).

I am sure that everyone knows the "differences" between Keith and myself. And we have gotten into plenty of fights, mostly verbal but a few fairly pathetic physical ones. And everyone knows about the most recent debacle that was started on this very blog. Well Keith and I have not spoken since the event and I am just going to take this opportunity to say that I am over whatever petty differences we have had. I am not going to assign blame or fault on either party (there was plenty on both sides) and I am not going to expect or give an apology on the matter. What was done was done and I am over it. I am sick and tired of losing friends for stupid petty reasons and to crazy girlfriends, so if something can be easily remedied by someone taking the first step than I will do it. Besides, it is not like we are a bunch of high school girls, who bitch at each other for months. So Keith if you read this and if you feel the same way give me a call some time and perhaps we can get past this difference and get onto the next one, which I am sure is imminent.

P.S. I am going to save this post to my hard drive so it can easily be cut and pasted for the next fight.

Theater Excursions: Dawn of the Dead

Starring Sarah Polley, Ving Rhames, Jake Weber, Mekhi Phifer
Written by James Gunn
Based on a Screenplay by George Romero
Directed by Zack Snyder

First, I should admit that I've never seen any of Romero's zombie films, so I'm not exactly an expert on the sub-genre of zombie films. I have seen Resident Evil and 28 Days Later, so I can say that this film is way better than the former and not as good as the latter. [Some people quibble with the idea that 28 Days Later is a zombie movie, because the creatures in that film are not actually re-animated corpses, but c'mon, they're fucking zombies!]

I've got to tell you, I've never really understood the zombie sub-genre. I mean, it's kind of strange, isn't it? Why this fascination with zombies? I guess the there's the angle where a hero can be turned into a villain with no notice, and you can get a hell of a lot of drama out of that. That's a pretty cool hook. Also, the fact these zombies are not only are horrible, merciless, mindless monsters, but they're also (or, rather, they were) real human beings.

Anyway, as far as this film is concerned, it's got a pretty standard plot. Some kind of illness breaks out which turns people into zombies. We don't know how it happened. But a few of the "survivors" manage to get into the local mall, where they hole up and try to fight back. The meat of the film is in the interactions of the people within the mall. They are all scared, some of them injured, one of them pregnant, and they don't all get along very well. Soon, they concoct a plan to take the fight to the zombies and try to escape from their beleagured mall.

The acting is all quite good, and the film is very well-made. It is tense, sometimes scary, and highly claustrophobic. And yet, none of the characters are particularly well-developed. We don't know who these people are. With one exception, by the time we meet these people, their lives are pretty much over.

One of the strengths of this film is the fact that they spend a great deal of time trapped in the mall, but in relative safety. The zombies can't get in, so now one is in immediate danger. This allows for some very interesting, and also very enjoyable, often humorous scenes of the characters relaxing a little bit and trying to enjoy themselves a little bit. This is probably the most enjoyable part of the movie.

Of course, people cannot live in a mall surrounded by zombies forever, so sooner or later everything comes to a head. The manner in which this happens includes a great deal of profoundly stupid behavior on the part of the characters. This is something that comes up often throughout the movie, and it's something that aggravated Jay and myself. In this film, human beings lose their life as part of a moronic, quixotic quest to rescue the life of a dog. As a man who hates dogs passionately, this really bothered me. Jay, on the other hand, is a dog-person, but still thought this was stupid.

Anyway, the bottom line is that this film is enjoyable, fun, sufficiently scary, and it ends with a tremendous extended action sequence as the characters try to fight their way out of the mall. The script has some problems, and it lacks the ambition and execution of 28 Days Later, but it's still and good and fun zombie movie.

THE NEW BALLPARK

This past Sunday I visited the Phillies new ballpark and even enjoyed a very good game. But I am sure that few of you care about the game and only want to hear about the park. Well seeing as I am the first person to go to the park I will tell you guys all about it.

Before I get into the park itself let me tell you about one complaint. It is not about the park itself it is about the location of the park. I hate that the park is in Stadium City. This park was supposed to be built in Center City. I have seen some artist renderings of a park in Center city and it was BEAUTIFUL. You would have had a great view of the buildings and the statue of William Penn that stands on top of city hall would have been overlooking the field. Not to mention the possibilities of after game enjoyment. But that idea was shot down rather quickly by the residents and store owners in the area because they thought that the idea of an extra 40,000 potential customers in the area was a bad idea. I realize that there were other serious issues with the park in Center City but nothing that would have been overcome or never realized. Just look at Camden Yards, Yankee Stadium, Fenway Park, Jacobs Field etc. etc. etc. All of these parks are in their respective city's downtown area and they have been huge boons to the area in many ways, especially financially. But no, Philly had a great opportunity to really hit one out of the park (no pun intended) and they really blew it.

Now that I got that out of my system onto the park itself. It is beautiful. I have not been to any of the new "retro" ballparks but Citizens Bank Park is really fucking nice. There is no walking up ramps to the stadium you just walk right up and put your ticket into the machine and find your seat. The outside concourses are not completely finished yet but they look promising. One of the first things you notice when walking into the stadium is the smell, or lack there of, the park does not have that stale dingy odor that the Vet had, and that is a nice thing. Another good thing about the park is that you could walk completely around the stadium concourses (both upper and lower) and still see the field. The seats are the same size as in the Vet but the sightlines are vastly improved. I really do not think that there is a bad seat in the place. My seats are in the next to last row behind home plate and you could still see everything without having to squint or guess like you did in the Vet. It was also very nice to see a game played on real grass and dirt as opposed to that evil carpet that laid on the Vet's field. The score board can be seen by everybody, which was not the case at the Vet, and it is huge and state of the art. There is even a huge replica Liberty Bell that lights up and dongs whenever a Phillie hits a homerun. The thing about these new ballparks are not the huge change from the old stadium to the new one it is the small ones. Like a shorter fence that makes robbing a home run possible. Like an angular shaped field. Like the two tiered bullpen that makes razzing the other teams pitcher very possible. It is scary how close to the bullpen you are, eventually something stupid is going to happen out there. There are just so many little things that you pick up on with each new visit.

The food is improved. You can still get your standard ballpark fare but their are much more options, and stands. Jenna and I both had the BBQ platter at Bull's BBQ in Ashburn Alley. The platter consisted of a sandwich and beans and coleslaw. All of the food was great, I was really impressed. I hope to enjoy some of the other concession stands as I attend more games, but Bull's BBQ is a good one. Some of the other stands include Geno's, Tony Luke's, MacFaddens and some other specialty places that I am looking forward to hitting. The good thing about it was that the prices were basically the same as they were in the Vet, but is still overpriced but that is expected when you go to a sporting event.


I did not use the bathroom yet so I cannot attest to their state but I am sure they are nice for now, especially since they are more bathrooms in this park than in the Vet but about 20,000 less seats.

I could really talk for a long time about how nice the park is (it is spectacular)and how different it is from the Vet, but the best way is to really go out and see for yourself. I recommend getting there really early, the gates open two hours before the game starts, and getting yourself something to eat and just walk around. In fact we should get together soon and go as a group, it really is an awe inspiring experience.

FANS

While attending my first game at the brand spanking new Citizens Bank Park, I took it upon myself to voice my frustration towards a certain Phillies shortstop. This shortstop's name is Jimmy Rollins. The five foot eight inch, one hundred and sixty five pound Jimmy Rollins who thinks that he is the reincarnation of Babe Ruth. I do not think that I really need to go into my reasons for my HUGE hatred for him but let's just say that he entered the game hitting .121. Well everytime the little bastard stepped to the plate I let him have it with a barrage of boos that have not been seen since the last Philadelphia sporting event, just booing, no profanity included. I doubt that he heard me but I felt better doing it. Some guys sitting around me were talking with me about how he sucks and some were giving me some good natured ribbing, especially after Rollins hit a triple (with two outs). But I also heard more than a few shut ups and the like and got a few evil eyes, but I did not let this stop me. This really annoyed me. It is not like I was not supporting the team, I was cheering at every hit and run and felt everyone of their failures, I am a huge fan. First off, if you know anything about baseball you could not look yourself in the mirror after cheering for him. He is one of the worst hitters in the league. But it also bothered me because most of the people who were displeased with my "behavior" sat on their hands the entire game. Why on gods green earth would you spend at least $20 on a ticket and sit on your hands? These people were like zombies, if you are just going to sit there and watch a game in silence, then just save your money and watch the damned TV in silence alone and let some "real" fans enjoy a live sporting event. And I know what some of you are thinking: that was just that asshole Jay being a dick again. That was certainly not the case, but I have seen and heard of this phenomenon before. I have gone to games with Jamie (when he still had balls) and we cheered and jeered throughout the game and people gave dirty looks. I have even heard of people complaining to ushers because people were voicing their opinion, even if they were not cursing or being vulgar in any way. These uptight dickwads really piss me off.

Theater Excursions: Hellboy

Starring Ron Perlman, John Hurt, and Rupert Evans
Also Starring Selma Blair, Karel Roden, Doug Jones, and Jeffrey Tambor
Screen Story by Guillermo Del Toro and Peter Briggs
Screenplay by Guillermo Del Toro
Based on the Comic Books by Mike Mignola
Directed by Guillermo Del Toro

Del Toro declined to direct Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban in favor of directing this film. I've got to say that I think that was probably a poor career move, but it's clear that Del Toro put a lot of love into this project, so I'm not going to second guess him on that one.

Hellboy is an exuberant film which depends on having a fun and enjoyable tone in order to work. The story is ridiculous. Not only is the premise very silly, but the plot is underdeveloped and the story has something of an uneven structure. However, one can't help but enjoy this silly little mess.

The top prize goes to Ron Perlman, who carries this film with his highly charismatic portrayal of the titular character. Hellboy is one of the most likable "superhero" characters I've seen in a long time. He's just a really good guy, in addition to be funny, sarcastic, quick-witted, and totally sympathetic. Without Perlman's engaging performance, this film would be dreary and dull.

But, I have a lot of beefs with the film. When Jay and I walked out, I expounded, at length, about the weaknesses of story, character, and plot. Jay asked "If there's a sequel, will you see it?" I thought for a moment, and then answered, somewhat surprised, "Yeah, I think I would." That's an indication of how much I love this character.

It doesn't forgive any of the serious flaws of the film, but keep that bottom line in mind as you read what I'm about to say. The film opens, following an interesting prologue which establishes Hellboy's origins, with John Meyers (Evans) arriving from Quantico to the top-secret Department for Paranormal Research and Defense. The audience sees everything from Myers point of view, from first meeting Prof. Broom (Hurt), to his meeting with "fish-man" Abe Sapien (Jones), to his ultimate confrontation with Hellboy itself. But once the introductions are over, Meyers seeks to have much a function in the story. He's still an important character, based on screen time, but he doesn't really have much to do, and the audience begins to follow Hellboy directly rather than through the eyes of Meyers.

This is a rather fundamental script problem. It doesn't detract too much from the film, but it is the sort of basic script error that can single-handedly prevent a film from being truly "good" (in some snotty, elitist sense, at least). Similar problems also arise. Abe Sapien is given a considerable introduction, and appears to be a fairly significant character, until he drops out of the film entirely at the mid-way point. Also, the villain characters are given barely any introduction at all, and their motivations are sorely lacking. There is also a conspicuous editing problem, which Jay picked up on. I've seen other reviewers mention this point, but I frankly missed it. But there's a signficant discontinuity in the final act.

Anyway, disregarding all of that, this film is still a ton of fun, and has a liberal dose of humor. Sure, the plot may come to a halt so that Hellboy can pursue the woman of his dreams, pyrokinetic Liz Sherman (Blair), but these scenes are done with so much humor, and so much heart, that it's okay. Another nice touch is that this film acknowledges the comc books where Hellboy was born. In the fictional world depicted in the film, Hellboy is an enduring myth much like the Jersey Devil or Bigfoot. He's had comic books written about him, he reads them, and gets angry that they've never adequately captured his true appearance. If you have to do a fanboy in-joke (and, for some reason, you do), at least that one was done very nicely.

I hope there is a sequel to this film, because Hellboy is such a compelling character that he deserves a franchise of his own. But he also deserves a stronger script than he got this time out.

Note on Theater Excursions

Due to certian circumstances that I'm not going to go into right now, it looks like I won't have occasion to go to the movies quite as often as I have been so far this year. As such, the frequency of my Theater Excursions posts is likely to drop. I'm currently thinking about replacing it with some sort of Movie Rental based posting, since I now work at a local video store. [I'm the anti-Liza... going fom liquor store to video store.] The idea is that I would confine myself to new and recent DVD releases of recent theatrical films. I would also continue to do Theater Excursions as and when I make it into a theater, but I can't estimate how often I'll be able to do that.

That having been said, I do have two Theater Excursions posts in the pipeline, Hellboy and Dawn of the Dead. The former should be going up quite soon, the latter in a couple of days.

And remember, if you're one of those sad, pathetic people who actually gives a shit what I think about movies, I'm posting new reviews of movies from my DVD collection quite often at Terminus. Most recently, I've discussed Monty Python's Life of Brian, which I am required to love by the terms of my membership in the "I Hate Jesus and All Who Love Him" club, of which I am treasurer. So, check that out.

Here We Go Flyers, Here We Go

So the Flyers have seriously impressed me so far throughout this series. Now I know that I don’t know a whole hell of a lot about sports but I’d like to think I know more than most women, seeing as I only hang out with dudes. Anyway, I thought I would blog about the playoff game I went to. It was game one of this series and I honestly thought that I was going to come out of the Whack Off Center disappointed because the Devils beat the Flyers 2-0. Much to my surprise, the Flyers have outplayed the Devils this year. I was worried toward the end of the regular season that they were going to choke, as many Philadelphia teams tend to do. They pulled through and came in third place and when I heard they were going to go up against the Devils I got that little pit in my stomach that said, “oh no, not again.”

Well, back to what I came to talk about…my friend Heather called me up last Wednesday and told me to get a babysitter for Hunter because we were going to the playoff game the next night. (Oh and no one has to worry that I spent any of there hard earned money to buy tickets to this game because it was Heather’s treat.) I was ecstatic and Jay was jealous, for two reasons…I was going to the game and he wasn’t and that I was going to get the Donald Brashear bobble gloves doll. Well, the game was amazing the Flyers played well, and my hat went off to Esche for his goaltending. The fans were those good ole Philly fans, taunting Martin Broduer (not sure about the spelling) and pissing off the Devils fans. During the Hershey’s Kiss of the game they showed two unsuspecting men with Devils jerseys on and some Flyers fan poured what looked to be a big bowl of melted ice cream on there heads. Needless to say there was almost a fight…go Philly. Anyway, the energy was amazing and the next we knew the Flyers were up 3-0. Of course that is when the Flyers decide that they have a nice little cushion and stop playing to their fullest potential. So the Devils came back with 2 goals pretty quickly but the Flyers still outplayed them, even to spite the referees missing two very huge tripping calls that would have gone against Devils. So now the Flyers are up 3-1 in the series I am praying that they end the series tomorrow night with their fourth win. Oh, if anyone can tell me who they would play if they win this series I would be grateful to know.

Lets Go Flyers!!!

THE SPLENDID SPLINTER

For those of you who may not know The Splendid Splinter was the nickname of Ted Williams, one of the greatest players to ever play baseball, and probably the best pure hitter to pick up a bat. If you ask people now what they know about him I am sure that most would refer to his being frozen at Alcor, which is a damned travesty. So I would like to remind readers of what a great player he was with a couple of stories from a new book about him, I got these from a book excerpt from Sports Illustrated.

What most people, even baseball fans, do not know is that Ted was a fighter pilot who fought in two wars. He served three years in WWII, although he did not fly a combat mission. And he served in Korea where he actually flew missions where this story comes from. Ted Williams was a hell of a pilot, in fact he has held accuracy records for a long time, as far as I know he still holds them. This was due to his incredible eyesight, which also helped him in hitting the baseball. But anyway he was flying a mission over Kyiomipo, North Korea when he was hit, after he dropped his bombs of course. In getting hit his radio was dead and he was heading towards Pyongyang, the Korean capital where all the big antiaircraft armaments were. So a fellow pilot used hand signals to get Ted to follow him back to base and the pilot also determined that Ted's plane had its main fuel cell or fuel lines were hit. This meant that a fire was a possibility. When he got back to the base Ted had to make a crash landing, at 200 mph. This landing caused flames and sparks and pieces of the plane to fly off in all directions. After getting the plane to a stop Ted rushes out of the plane a bolts away from it because he thought that the plane was going to burst into flames. As he is running away a staff car pulls up and a colonel steps out and hands Ted a piece of paper. A few days later a fellow pilot who witnessed this asked Ted what the colonel wanted. To which Ted replied "I just got my ass blown off. I'm fuckin' lucky to be here. And this guy asked me for my fuckin' autograph."

Ted may have been the greatest hitter that ever picked up wood. He literally wrote the book on hitting. His book (the name escapes at this point) is still considered to this day the holy bible of hitting. He has said that in the early innings he liked to hit the top half of the ball so he could get on base and score some runs and in after the seventh he would hit the bottom half of the ball to try and hit a home run. Those of you who have ever stepped up to bat knows how hard it is to hit a ball, let alone pick which half of the ball they were going to hit. For those of you who have never played baseball, hitting a baseball is the absolutely hardest thing to do in sports, hands down. I cannot think of another endeavor in life where you can be a failure two out of three times and still be considered a success. Anyway after retiring and trying some things he was offered the job of managing the awful Washington Senators. In his first year the team turned around and Ted was named the manager of the year, the Senators had their first winning season in 17 years. The coaches handled a lot of the coaching but Ted handled the hitting. The team improved in every statistical category from the year before Ted and the year he took over, there was a sizable jump in bating average, runs, hits, walks, doubles, triples and homers and there was a decrease in strikeouts. In his second year the Senators went back to sucking and eventually moved to Texas and became the Rangers.

In 1972 the Rangers were in Boston to play the Red Sox, the only team that Ted ever played for. He was and is so popular in Boston that he could still run for mayor and win even though he has been dead for three years.

Anyway there was a home run hitting competition between radio personalities and retired ballplayers held before the game. Ted was not going to take part but the fans started chanting "We want Ted!" So Ted was in the dugout hearing this and screaming to noone in particular "You want me to hit, you cocksuckers. You fuckin' syphillitic [his favorite adjective]...You want me?" To which some one replied "Why don't you wave to them?" "I'm gonna fucking hit" was Ted's response. SO he started looking for a bat to use. Not just any bat a W-183 Louisville Slugger, the W stood for Williams. Luckily one of his players used his bat. As he stepped out of the dugout the crowd went absolutely apeshit, it was an ovation that most players have never heard. Of course Ted was cursing with every step he took to the plate, removing his jacket without stopping and having a look on his face that beyond determination. When he stepped to the plate the Red Sox coach who was the pitcher threw Ted a couple of lollipops that he watched go by him. He then waved to the pitcher that said bring it. So the pitcher started really pitching to him. And Ted sent liner after liner after liner throughout the field. He took ten maybe fifteen swings and sent the ball everywhere, off the wall, over the fence (just foul), everywhere. He put on an absolute clinic. After he was finished with his hacks he threw the W-183 down and stormed back to the dugout down the runway and into the clubhouse office while the crowd again went apeshit. He never said anything about it to his players and they never said anything to him. While his players were watching Ted hit they just sat there in silent awe staring at the master. Why, because at the time he was five days short of his 54th birthday. Simply amazing.

Well, those were just two stories from the amazing life of Ted Williams that I thought were interesting. I hope to eventually read the book that these stories came from and perhaps report it back to you guys.

I AM A LITTLE SCARED

In an e-mail that I received about the war in Iraq from MoveOn (a liberal group) they mentioned something about the draft. They said that if things continue on the course that they are over there that there is some talk of bringing back the draft probably shortly after the elections in November. I do not know how serious the talk is or if MoveOn was trying to get a rise out of people by blowing a throw away line out of proportion, but for some reason it really stuck with me. The thought of having to leave everyone and everything that I care about and go halfway around the world to some shithole and possibly die in a war that I do not agree about brought on because of some numbnuts that I did not vote for or respect does not sit so well with me. Not only am I scared for myself but I have two brothers and possibly a sister (although I doubt that women would be included) not to mention many friends that could/would be drafted. I think that if I got drafted I would give serious consideration to becoming a draft dodger. It sounds pussy but so what, everything I read about what is going on over there (or hear form people that have been over there: Mike) makes it sound like hell on Earth and I want nothing to do with it. God bless the military people who are over there but that is just not for me.

Theater Excursions: The Alamo

Starring Billy Bob Thornton, Jason Patric, and Patrick Wilson
Also Starring Dennis Quaid and Emilio Echevarria
Written by Leslie Bohem, Stephen Gaghan, and John Lee Hancock
Directed by John Lee Hancock

The Alamo has a very storied production history. It was supposed to be released during the holiday season in 2003, but was delayed until April 2004. This was taken by many people to be an indication that there were severe problems with the film. Most reviewers, upon release, confirmed this judgment to be true. I heartily join them. This is a troubled film. Watching the film, I wondered what had been left on the cutting room floor. My suspicion is that this film was victimized by bad editing. It's impossible to say whether the longer cut of the film would have been more or less successful.

As released, the film has a running time of 137 minutes. There are a number of characters, particularly the female ones, who are not adequately introduced or developed. Nevertheless, certain remaining scenes indicate that the audience is expected to know who these characters are and care about whatever it is they are doing. In many cases, this fails, precisely because crucial scenes have been cut (that, or it's simply very badly written). Even the release version sags a bit in terms of action and excitement, and since the drama is not really there to sustain it, this film may actually play as "longer" than a more fully developed film would have.

I don't want to give the impression that The Alamo is entirely a failure. Financially, it is a total bomb. In its opening weekend, it made just over ten percent of its production budget, which sets it up as another in a string of big losers for Disney. But it isn't really a bad film. The actors are all very good, and the three main characters are all fully fleshed-out and highly compelling. The story is, while not exactly engrossing, is nevertheless quite effective. The battle scenes are all very well done.

But I couldn't shake the feeling that I was watching half a movie. I first heard of this film several months ago (when the release date was still in December 2003) while listening to NPR. The film was descried as a balanced film, dealing in equal measure with both the Texan and Mexican sides of the battle. The film as released was entirely unbalanced. The Mexicans were given short-shrift and portrayed as undifferentiated villains. The "heroes" are given nicely nuanced motivations, but this film definitely sets up a clear good guy vs. bad guy dynamic.

But it gets the two sides confused. In a sense, this film is a little bit like Braveheart, only told from the British perspective. The Texans (or, as they were then known, Texians) are very clearly in the wrong. They were attempting to steal Texas from the Mexicans in order to establish their own independent republic. They had no valid claim to the land other than greed. They pursued their claim through violence, and succeeded only because the Mexican General Santa Ana (Echevarria) spectacularly failed to display the same level of heroic self-sacrifice as the doomed defenders of the Alamo. The Texians were not fighting to right some terrible injustice, they were in fact committing one. The film allows this point to come through (much to its credit, I should say) but doesn't explore it at all. A balanced film would have been able to do so.

My biggest concern with the film is that it is very much a celebration of death. The defenders of the Alamo knew without doubt that they would all be killed, and they were. Santa Ana, on the other hand, deliberately adopted tactics which he knew would maximize the casualties on his own side, displaying a monstrous lack of regard about the life of his troops (again, in marked contrast to the noble and selfless Texians). If any mere idea is capable of destroying human life, it is the idea that death in war is somehow glorious and noble. This film is replete with this ugly idea. Possibly, a longer version of the film would have repudiated this idea, and there are hints that the film was moving in that direction, but it never quite got there. As it stands, this film proudly stands behind the idea that dying in the cause of territorial conquest is a good thing. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Lastly, I want to point out the "patriotic" theme of the film. The trailer shows a scene where William Travis (Wilson) gives his "Henry V" speech, saying "We will show them what patriots are made of!" It's a good line to put in the trailer in this day and age, when many Americans are feeling particularly patriotic. My fear was that the film would be a jingoistic piece of pro-American propaganda. It was, and it wasn't. These Texians exhibited no patriotism toward America. They exhibited patriotism only toward Texas, which they to make into an independent republic. As such, this film is in no ways a patriotic one. It is entirely indifferent to America at best, and at worst is actually dismissive of it.

I hope that a director's cut is released on DVD, as this film has the makings of a great epic. As it is, it is a deeply flawed film, yet not without its good points.

Incredible

I just had a civil and respectful conversation with a New Jersey Devils fan. Each of us pointed out the weaknesses and strengths of our respective teams, and the word "fuck" was never uttered by either one of us. It was a remarkable conversation that I don't expect will be repeated any time soon.

Also, moments ago in my Employment Law class, a student brought up the legal troubles suffered by Marty McSorely a couple of years ago. We're talking about a fictional Workers' Compensation case involving the NBA and the Boston Celtics. The McSorely comment wasn't really on point, but it was nice to hear some hockey talk in a law class nonetheless.

SMOKING

I have a question for all of the smokers out there, past and present. I understand why it is so hard to quit smoking once you stop. But why do you start in the first place? Knowing that it is highly addictive (more so than some illegal drugs). Knowing that it is so expensive (I believe over $5 a pack). Knowing that it is so harmful to your health (cancer, emphysema, stinkiness). Knowing all that why start? I am really curious. I know that a recent study has shown that alcohol increases the pleasure received from cigarettes, but why do it sober?

Theater Excursions: The Ladykillers

Starring Tom Hanks and Irma P. Hall
Also Starring Marlon Wayans, J. K. Simmons, Tzi Ma, Ryan Hurst, and George Wallace
Screenplay by Ethan and Joel Coen
Based on a Screenplay by William Rose
Directed by Ethan and Joel Coen

Yes, a Coen brothers movie starring Tom Hanks. It should be no surprise to anyone that The Ladykillers is likely to be both the lowest-grossing Tom Hanks movie in ages and the highest-grossing Coen brothers movie ever. For Tom Hanks, this is a very strange role. I know a lot of people (myself included) have been hoping Hanks would return to comedy, but the character he plays here is drastically different from anything he's done before. On the other hand, for the Coens, Tom Hanks is an even bigger leading man than George Clooney (who was also very good in an unusual comic role in O Brother, Where Art Thou?).

My baseline view of this film is that it's good, and it's very funny, but like Intolerable Cruelty, it's not quite up to their usual standard. Unfortunately, that makes three sub-great films in a row for them (including The Man Who Wasn't There), which is starting to look like a long-term downward trend. I enjoyed this movie from start to finish, and Jay and I both laughed out loud several times. But it definitely doesnt rise to the level of their best work.

The story is simple enough: a misfit band of criminals under the direction of Professor G. H. Dorr (Hanks) team up to build a tunnel into the vault of a nearby casino. Fortunately, there is a room for rent in the local town, which provides access to a basement perfectly situated as one end of their planned tunnel. Dorr is a smooth-talking Southern gentlemen intellectual, and Hanks sinks his teeth into a very rich characterization of a fairly shallow character. No one of the characters in the film is particularly well-developed, but the actors manage to make them quirky and memorable nevertheless.

Standing in opposition to the criminals is the owner of the house, Marva Munson (Hall), a little-old, church-going widow. She talks to the portrait of her late husband frequently, and has a lovably simplistic world-view. She is certainly the most colorful characters in a cast of colorful characters, and Hall's performance steals the show.

What's especially interesting to me is the interactions of the criminal team. Each member is radically different, and they create a very uncomfortable mix. Each character i drawn very broadly, and pretty much represents a cheesy stereotype. The characters in this film are not real people by any stretch. They are cartoonish, but compelling nonetheless.

In a film like this, it's hard to know who to root for. Mrs. Munson is an obstacle in the path of our lovable rogues, but she is lovable herself. We want the criminals to win, and we understand their motive in trying to killer her (hence the title), but we certainly don't want to see them succeed. There is no way for the film-makers to resolve this conflict without someone we're rooting for ending up losing. And, because this is a Coen brothers movie, ending up losing means ending up dead.

This film was based on a 1955 film of the same name directed by Alexander Mackendrick and starring Alec Guinnes and Peter Sellers. I've never seen it, but having seen the Coen's update, I'd really like to. [I've only known Alec Guinness through his work with David Lean and, of course, Star Wars, but he is much admired for his comedy work.] Most reviewers compare the Coens' version unfavorably with the original, but having liked this one, that just makes me want to see the original all the more.

Anyway, as a final word I'll just say that the film is enjoyable, lighthearted, and certainly funny. It's not a great film by any means, and it doesn't stack up that great against the best of the Coen brothers movies, but it is a lot of fun.

Badass Buscemi

Ok, since Tuckers World had a wrap up about the Soprano’s this far I decided to talk about my excitement about the show as well. First of all, when I heard that Steve Buscemi would be joining this years cast I was ecstatic. I think he is a great actor and one of my Entertainment Weekly magazines did an interview with him, which made me even more excited about this season. My favorite role of his was an uncredited role in Billy Madison. I believe he had one line and he put lipstick on immediately following it. But that is beside the point.

So far his character, Tony Blundetto, has recently been paroled from prison and Tony Soprano is eager to get his favorite cousin back in the game, so to speak. Much to Tony Soprano’s disappointment, Tony Blundetto wants to go straight. You see, after being in the slammer for 15 years he doesn’t want to revert back to a life of crime. He spent his time learning the art of massage therapy and wants to get a job in that line of work. Tony S. walks in on him giving massages to a few members of the “family” and has a talk with him. He flips out and says he never wants to see him massaging anyone again. This is when Tony B. explains how he wants to turn his life around and Tony S. decides to help him. He gets him a job as driver for some Korean guys (I think it is a laundry service but I am not sure).

Now Tony B. is the peacemaker. When Christopher thought that Tony S. was banging Adriana (big car accident in the middle of nowhere…just the two of them…lots of rumors…enough said) he confronted him while drunk and tried to shoot him with an unloaded gun. This made Tony S. a little pissed off and they drove him to the middle of nowhere and right as Christopher was about to get whacked Tony B. stepped in and literally saved his life. He talked Tony S. into having the doctor from the hospital who checked her out tell Christopher that it was physically for him to be getting a blow job from her seeing as she had seatbelt injuries, otherwise she would be dead. Now Christopher apologizes and things are back to ‘normal’.

I have been a little disappointed about this because I wanted Steve Buscemi to have a really badass character. I thought he would get out of prison, get back in the game and start kicking ass. But as I was expressing my feelings on the issue to Jay the previews for next week’s episode came on. Now Jay explained to me that The Soprano’s is excellent at fooling you with what is going to happen, but this doesn’t seem that way. Apparently the truck Tony Blundetto drives gets stolen, his boss blames him, and it flashes to him swinging what looks like a baseball bat at someone, they don’t show you who. But now my hopes are up that Bad Ass Buscemi is coming to town…I suggest you all tune in this Sunday.

PERMISSION

For the upcoming Phillies season my family got together and we got Sunday season tickets. That means that we have tickets to every Sunday home game. Well the first Sunday home game is on April 18th and I just so happen to have tickets to it. I am pretty sure that I will be the first reader of this blog that will be going to the brand spanking new Citizens Bank Park. So in that vain I would like to post about it and let everyone know about the newest addition to stadium city in South Philly. Well, my question is: Is it okay with Keith if I do that? I promise that I will not brag about anything (I have pretty shitty seats). I can promise that I am not using anyone else's "hard-earned" money to pay for these seats. And I can pretty much assume (but not guarantee) that Hunter will not be abused or neglected. So if anyone has any reservations about my upcoming post on this topic and I can assure you that they will be read and given all the thought that they deserve. Please Keith, let me know because the last thing on Earth that I want to do is offend your fragile psyche again. I may even let you read it first so you can edit it for content and grammar.

WATCH OUT FOR THE NINJA!!!!

As you may or may not know the ninja is another name for AIDS (aka the bug, the high five, the hi-fi, etc.). My question is, what is all of the hub-bub about what is essentially a STD. Granted, it is a prevalent and dangerous STD but a STD nonetheless. Why aren't there herpes ribbons? Or syphilis walks? Or Elizabeth Glaser genital warts foundation? Seriously people, why do we ignore these very important diseases? Who is looking out for the poor guy with crabs? I don't know about you but that one just creeps the shit out of me. So let us come together and form a foundation for all of the other shunned STDs. Who is with me?!?!?!? So I want everyone to comment and say which STD we should get behind, any apropiate pictures of these awful diseases would be beneficial. Thank You.

P.S. Keith, this post was tongue in cheek.
P.P.S. Keith, tongue in cheek means that you should not take it to seriously.
P.P.P.S. Keith, seriously means......awww...get a dictionary.

Theater Excursions: Spartan

Starring Val Kilmer, Derek Luke and Kristen Bell
Also Starring William H. Macy, Ed O'Neill and Tia Texada
Written and Directed by David Mamet

When I tried to tell people how excellent this movie was after I saw it, the vast majority of people I spoke to a) had never heard of the film, and b) thought it was about Ancient Greece. No, actually. In fact, it's about a federal special agent named Scott (Val Kilmer) who is brought in to assist the Feds in tracking down the president's daughter, who has been kidnapped. The film takes its time in telling you even this much, and there is so much more to tell. It all comes out very slowly, and the story ends up being quite a bit different from what we originally are led to believe.

This is pretty standard fare for a Mamet film. What really makes Spartan standout among Mamet's films is the fact that Scott is a very different character from the usual Mamet hero. In House of Games, Lindsay Crouse knew that she was operating in a word of confidence tricks. In Heist, Gene Hackman was himself the master. In The Spanish Prisoner, Campbell Scott begins the film in a state of acute paranoia. Val Kilmer's character is very different. He is hired to do a job, does it extremely well, and has no interest in unravelling the mysteries involved. At least at first.

Basically, this breaks down into two films. First, Scott works to track down the missing girl. It begins to appear that the kidnappers have no idea who the girl was when they nabbed her. What we have is a tight, meticulously crafted thriller. One of the best I've seen, in fact. Roger Ebert, in his review, made the point that the characters in this film do not find it necessary to tell one another what they are doing, which is the normal route thrillers take to make sure the audience can keep up. Mamet leaves it to us to keep up on our own, and sometimes it can be a little difficult. But it's worth it.

I really cant discuss this film very fully, because it's vital that it be allowed to keep its own secrets. Wat I can tell you is that the film is enjoyable at every moment. The plot twists and surprises never have the effect of undermining anything you've seen before. I felt cheated by the surprise endings of films like The Sixth Sense and Fight Club. The surprises in this film are quite different. The twists effect our understanding of what we have seen, what we know, and what we thought we knew. But the fundamental reality of everything we se is never in question. Plot twists like these are actually a lot harder to pull off, especially if the film is going to remain consistent from start to finish, but Mamet is easily a talented enough writer to pull it off.

I'm very eager to have friends of mine watch this film, because I desperately want to talk about. But because I don't want to give anything away, and precisely no one that I know has seen this film, I'm stuck. All I can do is repeat, ad nauseum, that this film is absolutely fantastic. It has become my new favorite Mamet film, and I can't wait for the next one.

[FYI: the next one is called Whistle, due out sometime in 2005, and will complete the trilogy begun by From Here to Eternity and The Thin Red Line. I never knew that those two films were connected, but apparently all three are based on novels written by James Jones.]

OPENING DAY!!!!!

I am going to take this opportunity to give quick rundown of the Phillies lineup, and what I think their chances are in the NL East and beyond.

STARTING EIGHT (position in parentheses):
Marlon Byrd (CF): Rebounded from a very rough start to his rookie year to put together a fairly decent year. Even got some votes for rookie of the year. I really do not think that he will have a sophomore slump, I see him having a fairly decent year. He should hit around .300 with a few homeruns and RBIs, but his stats that I am really interested in are steals, walks, on base percentage (OBP) and runs. If he can keep those numbers high, that means that he is getting on base and scoring which what you want out of a leadoff man. He is also a decent fielder, nothing great but not a liability.

Placido Polanco (2B): Had a career year last year, I really do not expect him to repeat it but if he is in the ballpark then all should be good. He could hit second or seventh, depending on how much Jimmy Rollins sucks (more on that later). Wherever he hits I would like to see the same out of him that I expect from Byrd: get on base and let the big boys knock you in. Which brings me to...

Jim Thome (1B): He is an absolute monster. In his first year in a new league he leads the league in homeruns (47) and has a career high 131 RBIs. The sick thing is he is going to have a better year. I think that he is going to hit 50-60 HRs and knock in 150 RBIs. He really needs to cut back on the strikeouts, but that is what power hitters do. Should get MVP votes.

Pat Burrell (LF): I do not know what to say about him. I just hope that last year was a fluke, and I believe that it was. Everything that I heard out of spring training is that he is hitting much better, and most importantly no more bailouts on breaking pitches. The Phillies REALLY need him to produce if they are going to go anywhere this year, he might be the biggest piece to lineup this year.

Bobby Abreu (RF): I think that Bobby Abreu is quite possibly the stupidest player in the league. He does not know what he is doing in the field and he loves to steal at the absolute worst times. Sometimes it looks like he is just not paying attention out there. But he can flat out hit. He will be his regular self again. He will hit in the high .300s, might compete for highest batting average in the league. He will hit 20-40 HRs and get over 100 RBIs, it is really frustrating.

Mike Lieberthal (C): Had a very good year at the plate last year. Had the highest batting average of his career and was not seriously injured, which is an important and rare thing for a catcher. Handles a pitching staff pretty well, but had the worst percentage of thrown out baserunners in the league, which is mostly the pitchers fault. Hope that the number improves, plus I would like to see a few more homeruns and rbis out of him.

Jimmy Rollins (SS): I HATE Jimmy Rollins. I really think that they need to trade him right away. He is a better than average fielder but when he steps up to the plate I want to wring his little friggin' neck. Rollins has the same problem that Willie Mays Hayes had in "Major League". He thinks that he is a power hitter instead of a 5'8" shortstop. Bowa really needs to start making him do pushups everytime he hits a ball in the air. He needs to get the ball on the ground and use his speed. If he does that he could hit second and be a big help to the Phils, but if you see him hitting seventh or eighth, then he is fucking up again.

David Bell (3B): Another player who had a disastrous season last year. But his was due to injuries that forced him to miss about 80% of the season. If he can stay healthy and returns to his usual form he could hit 20 HRs and knock in 70-80 RBIs, which would be huge out of your eight hole. But if he is injured then that means that Polanco would play third and Chase Utley would play second and that is one thing that the Phils would like to avoid.

BENCH:
Their bench is pretty decent. A lot of veterans and guys that know their role and play it well. They are a little heavy with outfielders, which worries me if they get into a stretch of games like they had last year, 27 straight games. But they should be OK.

STARTING ROTATION:
Kevin Millwood: He is the closest thing that the Phillies have to a number 1 starter, but he isn't. He had a very good fist half last year but floundered in the second half, even going winless in September, which killed their playoff hopes. Supposedly came into this year in much better shape, but we will see. He should get around 15 wins.

Randy Wolf: I really like Randy Wolf, he is one of the top ten, maybe top five, lefthanders in the league. Sometimes goes through rough patches, but is usually good for about 15 wins as well.

Vicente Padilla: Has by far the best stuff on the team, he is just flat out filthy. His problem is that sometimes he gets hardheaded on the mound and loses focus. But after getting in a car accident that killed his best friend in his native Nicaragua and having a Nicaraguan newspaper accuse him of having a drinking problem he has come into spring training more focused than ever. I expect big things out of him, somewhere around 17-20 wins.

Brett Myers: He is a young guy, this is only his second full year as a starter. This is the year that he will become a stud. I do not have any hard evidence for this but I have a feeling. He will blossom into the ace that the organization has said and hoped that he would become. He will get 20 plus wins this year and get some Cy Young consideration.

Eric Milton: Another lefthander, which is really key to have two leftys in the starting rotation. He was hurt last year and only pitched in three games. But the year before that had a really good year getting, I believe, 15 wins. I expect about the same.

BULLPEN:

The vastly improved bullpen is one of the main reasons why many people are picking the Phils to win the NL East. Rheal Cormier had a fantastic year last year, and they picked up Tim Worrell and Roberto Hernandez, two veterans who will be good for the team. But the main reason why everybody is in a tizzy about the bullpen is...

Billy Wagner: Just plain stoopid (with two Os). According to the Elias Sports Bureau of the roughly 150 pitches thrown that were 100 m.p.h. or faster Billy Wagner had 100 of them. He had a little setback in the beginning of spring training but he is right back on track. He should get 40 plus saves this year.

NL East rundown:

Montreal Expos: They are a mess. Got rid of their best player and best pitcher. Nobody watches them. Play their games in three different countries (Canada, USA and Puerto Rico) and still nobody watches them. They will play somewhere else next year, but I think that they should be folded, along with the Brewers and Devil Rays.

Florida Marlins: Defending World Series champs, but that was a fluke. Again had a fire sale after winning but no where near what they did after winning it all in 1997. They have a very good starting rotation and a decent starting eight, including the best 1-2 hitters in the league. They will finish over .500 but not really compete.

Atlanta Braves: Again they lost a lot of talent. They lost Gary Sheffield, Javy Lopez, Vinny Castilla and Greg Maddux. But they also have the best manager and pitching coach in the league in Bobby Cox and Leo Mazzone. Every year everybody writes about their demise and every year they win the division. I think that this year is finally the year that they do not win it, but who knows...

NY Mets: This is a bad team. They are also very young. I do not think that they have much pitching, starters or bullpen. And they have two catchers splitting time between catching and first base, and they both are struggling at first. I think that it was a mistake moving Jose Reyes to second to accommodate Kaz Matsui but we will see. Matsui will be the highlight of this team and could win rookie of the year, depending if voters want to vote for someone who has played in the Japanese league for years.

PREDICTION:

I think that the Phils will take the new Citizens Bank Park into the playoffs with the National League East title. Now once you get into the playoffs anything can happen, just look at the last three years champs (Marlins, Angels and Diamondbacks). I will be posting throughout the season on all things baseball, so let's PLAY BALL!!

oh audrey

How very proud the University of Wisconsin is of you.

Dalek Coupling

Ok, apologies to those of you who won't care about this at all, but tough. I now know that a fourth series of Coupling (quite possibly the funniest sitcom ever) is in production. The reason I know this is because there is an item about it on a Doctor Who news site I frequent. Apparently, the fourth series will feature a cameo by a Dalek. Daleks have been referenced in Coupling in the past (in "Her Best Friend's Bottom" 2x3, which I'm watching at this very moment), but have not before actually appeared in the show.

Anyway, I'll try to find more (non-Doctor Who-related) info for my fellow Coupling-loving friends out there. The rest of you can piss off.

UPDATE: My internet research is complete, and I have good and bad news. THe good news is that filming on the fourth series began in February of this year, and the series will begin airing on BBC TWO this summer. No word yet on when the fourth series will hit BBC America. The bad news is that Richard Coyle, who plays Jeff Murdoch, has left the series and been replaced by a new character altogether. I thought that perhaps Coupling had jumped-the-shark at the end of series three with the announcement of a surprise pregnancy, but now with the sudden departure of a cherished character, the show really will never be the same again.

Also, Coupling mastermind Steven Moffatt will be penning two-scripts for the new Doctor Who series, set to begin filming in May. Reportedly, these scripts will comprise the only two-part story for the thirteen episode first series. Other authors include Paul Cornell, Rob Shearman, Mark Gatiss, and Russell T. Davies. Years ago, Mosco sold me his copy of Cornell's second Doctor Who novel, Love and War, to help me complete my collection. Mark Gatiss is a writer and actor on The League of Gentlemen, which briefly aired on Comedy Central and has a feature film in the works. Russell T. Davies created Queer as Folk, which was imported from the UK into a US vesion shown on Showtime.

Why anyone would care at all about any of that, I don't honestly know. But there it is.

SYMPATHY FOR THE YANKEES

Now, now, now do not think that I have lost my head and have started to feel sorry for the stinkin' Yankees. No, quite the contrary, I still loathe them and hope that they and everything associated with that seething cesspool of a city burns to the ground. I am talking about how they, along with the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, got totally jobbed by Major League Baseball.

Here is how it goes. The two teams, in an effort towards globalization of the sport, and to showcase its stars (and the Devil Rays) have decided to open the regular season in Tokyo, Japan. The MLB has actually done this before a few years ago and they have planned to do it on a regular basis, but it has been stepped back a bit because of security reasons. But it has consequences.

First let me give you the schedule of the two teams in the past week. On Thursday both teams played spring training games. After those games they boarded separate planes bound for Tokyo. Now this is no easy flight, it is a NINETEEN HOUR flight, yes, a NINETEEN HOUR flight. One Yankees player was looking at his itinerary and commented, "We do not have Friday anymore, our schedule goes from Thursday straight to Saturday, we have lost Friday." After landing in Tokyo, they get a little bit of rest before they have to play an exhibition game against a Japanese professional team, (they being both the Yankees and Devil Rays) then they get to play two regular season games against each other on Monday and Tuesday. The teams split the series. Then they lose Wednesday with the NINETEEN HOUR flight. When they get back to Florida the teams still have to play one more spring training game before they start the regular season again against each other, in Tampa Bay. After that series the Yankees finally go back to New York to have their home opener. Said one Yankee, "We are having three opening days." And they are, this ridiculous schedule is causing them to have to have a spring training game in between regular season games.

My first problem with this is that it puts both of those teams at such a huge disadvantage. While all the other teams are in Florida working out the kinks and finalizing their rosters, they Rays and Yankees are flying halfway around the world...twice. These guys are going to have jet lag of biblical proportions. Jet lag sucks if you are just some businessman who falls asleep during a meeting, but these guys are finely tuned professional athletes who go out and give it their all on the field, and the Devil Rays are there too. Their bodies are important to them and all of this dicking around with their sleep schedule is not really good for it. Players who have previously made the trip say that they took weeks to get their body back on schedule. That is not a good thing for a baseball player who plays, basically, every day.

My second problem with the trip is that they were regular season games. These games actually counted. So that means that Alex Rodriguez's MUCH MUCH MUCH hyped regular season debut was at 5 A.M. New York time, he struck out in his first at bat. I stayed up to watch the first inning, but that is because I am sick. I am sure that a fairly large number of Yankees fans did the same thing, but if you were MLB don't you think that you would want your most famous player, on your most famous team on TV at a time when people could actually watch it? Just look at Fox, they are putting the first game between the Yankees and Red Sox on in prime time on a Friday, again I will probably watch it. I realize that ESPN aired it live and then reaired it at 4 in the afternoon, but is not the same, everybody probably already knew the results and saw the highlights at that point. The Yankees got slammed so I am sure that nobody really tuned in anyway. Plus the broadcast was weird. Instead of sending a broadcast team over to Japan ESPN just took the Tokyo network feed and did the announcing from a studio in Bristol Connecticut, it was just off.

I know why MLB did it they want to get the world interested in their product, especially Japan because they have more than a few of their stars playing over here. But why have regular season games over there? MLB already has an all star tour of players that goes over their and plays a series of games against the Japanese league teams in the offseason. It just does not make sense to disrupt two teams seasons for a little globalization. Besides with much talk and the probability of the World Tournament (look for a future post about this event that I have a huge hard-on for) MLB baseball will be on display for the entire world, especially when national pride is on the line.

So really I just think that the Yankees and to a lesser extent the Devil Rays (because they blow) got the raw end of the deal. To which I say HA! Good, screw you fucking bastards!!!!