Top Three

All right everyone, this should be a quick and easy list. I want to know the top three members of the opposite (or same if that is your preference) sex that you would like to have "relations" with. Let's keep it to famous people so that there are no awkward moments. Also, if you feel that it is necessary give a little description of who the person is so nobody is asking "who?" in the comments section. And I understand that these types of lists vary from day to day, so just give me three names, in no particular order, without really thinking about it. This is open to everyone, guys and girls.
Here are my three:

Sarah Alexander: Susan from Coupling

Fergie: the white chick from the Black Eyed Peas

Morgan Webb: host of X Play on Tech TV

Rental Reviews: Punch-Drunk Love (2002)

Starring Adam Sandler, Emily Watson, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Luis Guzmán
Written and Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson

There is more than a superficial similarity between Barry Egan (Sandler) and previous Sandler characters such as Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, and Bobby Boucher from The Waterboy. All are outsiders, on some level incapable of successfully integrating with the rest of society. They are, in fact, socially dysfunctional. And they each have a worrisome propensity to lash out at the world with anger and violence.

When I think about Punch-Drunk Love, the film that I am most strongly reminded of is The Graduate. The endings of both films strike me very similarly. In neither case can I really feel good about the fact that the misfit outcast has won the love of a good woman. Both films make clear that the lovable misfit is, in some ways, genuinely disturbed, and yet never resolve this issue. Both films end with the characters having finally found love, but with no hint that they have grown to the point where they will be able to deal responsibly with the inevitable setbacks that lie ahead.

As the credits rolled on this film, I felt a little scared for Lena (Watson). There’s no telling how Barry might react if she ever, God forbid, suggests that he might want to stop wearing the same suit every day.

But like The Graduate, this film gives us a character who is hard to like and makes us like him. The film does a superb job in establishing his intense level of alienation. More than the other Sandler characters mentioned above, and more than Dustin Hoffin’s Benjamin Braddock, Barry has the capacity to convince us, from time to time, that he really is human. We can understand his emotional responses to the various situations he finds himself in (and it’s hard not to sympathize with a man afflicted with such overbearing sisters). But we can’t understand his behavioral responses to his emotional situation. Yes, I can see that Barry feels panicky and insecure when Lena asks him about embarrassing stories she’s heard about him, but I can’t see how that translates into tearing up the bathroom.

The only conclusion is that Barry Egan is not entirely well, and since the film also has us growing very fond of Lena, it makes the ending rather uncomfortable. We know Barry’s heart is in the right place, but it’s his head we can’t trust. Is the idea that love can heal the emotional damage Barry is carrying around? I don’t think so, because Barry doesn’t change in any meaningful way. His behaviors become slightly more normal as he learns to come out of his self-imposed social exile, but his root emotional problems are never addressed.

Roger Ebert suggests that Punch-Drunk Love is a response to, and a criticism of, Sandler’s earlier work. Perhaps it is, or perhaps it’s something even simpler than that. Perhaps it’s just an opportunity to take the Adam Sandler character and put him into a much better film. This is exactly what writer/director Paul Thomas Anderson has done, and the results are fascinating, if not entirely satisfying.

Because Punch-Drunk Love is so uncomfortable, I don’t think it gets enough credit for being a very funny film. The humor of the film comes from this discomfort. Much of the comedy comes from Barry’s attempts to connect his internal world with the world around him. Or when Barry is trying to be romantic with Lena, and misses badly. There is also a lot of flat out absurdist comedy in the film. Barry behaves absurdly, and says absurd things when the situation demands a more conventional response. But this humor often flies below people’s radar, and the film is so disquieting and uncomfortable that laughter somehow seems inappropriate. But this is a very funny film, and it strikes as the sort of film that would reward repeated viewings.




Buy Punch-Drunk Love - Superbit Special Edition Now!

Coupling

As I've mentioned before, I was very dubious about the new season of Coupling. First of all, the best character (Jeff) has left the show. Second of all, Susan is pregnant, which is rarely funny in a sitcom. After last week's season premiere, I was still concerned. It was good, but not great.

This week's episode was great. I can't even express how great it was. The writing on that show is simply incredible (which is good, since the creator/writer, Steven Moffat, is writing a two-part story for the first series of the new Doctor Who). A lot happened in this week's episode, and I'm very excited about the direction the show is taking.

Though my confidence in the show did waver a bit, it's back now. I can't wait until next week's episode!

Rental Reviews: The Quiet American (2002)

Starring Michael Caine, Brendan Fraser, Do Thi Hai Yen, Rade Serbedzija, Tzi Ma
Screenplay by Christopher Hampton and Robert Schenkkan
Based on the Novel by Graham Greene
Directed by Philip Noyce

We’ve all seen Vietnam movies, but you may never have seen a movie quite like The Quiet American. It is set in the early to mid-1950s, the period when France was still at war in “Indochina”. The film gives a fascinating perspective on the beginnings of American involvement in Vietnam.

Thomas Fowler (Caine) is a reporter for the London Times living in Saigon. He prides himself on his detachment. He doesn’t have an opinion, he simply reports what he sees. But he’s not particularly interested in reporting at all. He has fallen in love with Saigon, and he has fallen in love with Phuong (Hai Yen), his mistress.

Alden Pyle (Fraser) is a U.S. aid worker who has come to Saigon to assist the locals with their medical needs. When he meets Fowler, the two of them become instant friends, but that friendship is put to the test when he meets Phuong. Pyle is immediately smitten with this soft-spoken, mysterious young woman, and Phuong’s sister (Pham Thi Mai Hoi) sees in Pyle a chance to get out of Vietnam. This establishes the essential personal dynamic of the film. Fowler can’t marry Phuong because his wife back in London is Catholic and won’t give him a divorce, but he’s desperate to hold onto her. Pyle, pushed on by Phoung’s sister, is direct and open about his courtship of Phuong. And yet Pyle and Fowler remain cordial, and even friendly toward one another.

That’s only part of the story. The other part is entirely political. The French and South Vietnamese are fighting a war against the Communists in the North. It’s not going well, and there seems little doubt that France will sooner or later have to pull out. At the same time, there’s a new anti-Communist movement in South Vietnam, led by General Thé. [Fowler asks his assistant Hinh (Ma) “Who made him a general?” “He did.”] General Thé is ruthless, ambitious, and clearly doesn’t mind a few civilian casualties.

Each of these planks is, on its own, remarkable. The personal dynamic established between Fowler and Pyle, and their conflict over Phuong, is extraordinarily well done. Though I’m not a big Brendan Fraser fan, I must admit that in this film he is superb. I am a big Michael Caine fan, so I was not surprised to see such an excellent performance from him. The political story is developed more slowly alongside this personal story. At one key moment in the middle of the film, the political story suddenly and shockingly eclipses the personal story, and everything changes. Suddenly, Fowler finds himself getting involved directly in the conflict, something he never intended to do.

This film gives a fictionalized account of how America began getting involved in Vietnam. Most people associate the Vietnam War with Nixon, Johnson, and Kennedy. But it began with CIA involvement under the Eisenhower Administration before the French even left. This film depicts that. What’s surprising, though, is that the film is based on a novel published in 1954. Graham Greene was in Vietnam at this time, and this film provides a fascinating account of that time and place. Yes, it is fiction, but like all the best fiction, there is more truth in this film than you’ll see on the evening news.

This film could be described as anti-American, because it depicts Americans providing weapons for General Thé, who is not altogether different in his methods from any other terrorist. He just happens to wear a uniform. But the fact remains that the CIA did support anti-Communist elements in Vietnam as far back as 1954, and innocent civilians died as a result. Is it anti-American to point this out to people, notwithstanding that it is true? I’m sure some people would think so.

The DVD includes a timeline of Vietnamese history, which is a fascinating resource for further study. One thing that I did not know before is that the United States supported Ho Chi Minh during World War II, and promised him an independent Vietnam in return for his help against the Japanese. I had no idea that America’s habit of creating its own enemies went back that far.




Buy The Quiet American Now!

Romania 4

Went to two castles, Pales and Bran (aka Dracula's castle). Fought with Irina somemore. Bought a lot of shit, but not absynthe. Here's some of the highlights of the great things Irina has said about me:

I throw away my money
I have a weak soul
I look like a child
I don't spend enough money
I am too thin skinned
If we are together in public alone, I should pay for everything, including gifts for her cousin I will never see
I hold my spoon wrong
I eat incorrectly because I eat my salad before my meal, not with it
I'm not modest

On better news, I got ripped off for the first time last night. After leaving a resturant with Irina, as her brother had things to do, some guy came and said we owed 60000 lei (about $2 for parking). The guy was shady from the beginning but Irina said to give him the money. I have gime 100000 lei (about $3 for the math dunces) and he just ran away. Irina then bitched and moaned about how she dumb she is to get fooled, but never once appologized to me. Needless to say, she won't be getting a Christmas card.

Rental Reviews: Thirteen (2003)

Starring Evan Rachel Wood, Nikki Reed, Holly Hunter
Screenplay by Catherine Hardwicke & Nikki Reed
Directed by Catherine Hardwicke

The most striking thing about this film is that it is loosely based on the life of Nikki Reed, who co-wrote and stars in the film. Regardless, however, of the veracity of the film, it still plays like an Afterschool Special. Fortunately, it is written, acted, and directed on a much higher level.

But the story remains somewhat on the trite side. The film gets off to a rocky start by opening with a scene from the middle of the story. I don't quite know what the purpose of this move was, but it gets in the way of the character introductions. Since this film, at its most basic level, is structured around a particular character arc, this may not have been a wise decision. The "proper" opening of the film introduces the character of Tracy (Wood), a bright, talented, and level-headed girl. She lives with her single mother, Melanie (Hunter), with whom she has a close, comfortable relationship.

But soon the pressures of teen life get to her. Desperate to fit in, she allows herself to be all too easily led astray by "the popular girl" Evie (Reed). At first, it is enough to travel in the same circle as Evie, but she soon realizes that in order to travel in that circle, she's going to have to compromise a great deal of who she is. What begins with petty theft and a change of wardrobe turns into a massive and wholesale change in personality. Tracy soon begins experimenting with drugs and sex, and her life quickly begins to crumble around her.

It's a very conventional story. Both because of the familiarity of the story and of the power in its portrayal here, the script wisely leaves the lesson implicit. There is no preachy moralizing about the importance of staying away from drugs, tongue-piercings, provocative underpants, and boys. In fact, the film shows how such "lessons" are received by their intended audience. But because it's so plain to see how Tracy's choices have jeopardized her life, the script wisely lets the story stand on its on. What makes the film so striking is how easy it was for such a quintessential "good girl" like Tracy to fall into the "bad girl" lifestyle. Also the fact that there is no clear dividing line between youthful rebellion and serious problem. It's normal for teenage girls to fumble around for their own sense of identity, to rebel from their parents, to explore their sexuality. But it can easily go too far, and that can have serious and long-term consequences. What makes this film so powerful is that you can't see the point where it crosses the line.

The film is called Thirteen, which is presumably meant to be the girls' age during the film. Unfortunately, neither one of the actresses looked remotely close to thirteen years old. In fact, to me, they both looked closer to twenty. They weren't, as it happened. They must have been both around 15 when it was shot. But there's a line at the end of the film where Tracy is threatened with failing the eighth grade, and this line was highly jarring to me. The power of the film's story doesn't depend on the girls being quite so young. While it is shocking (at least to me) to think of thirteen-year-old girls behaving in this way, the film would be no less effective if the girls were fifteen, or even seventeen. It's about social pressure leading a girl, against her better judgment, in a different direction. It's about how small errors of judgment can snowball on you, until you are quite simply no longer the same person you once were.

Roger Ebert, in his review of this film, asks "Who is this movie for?" It is rated R, and deservedly so. And yet it seems to tell a story that thirteen-year-olds should hear, and it tells it in a way that isn't condescending and phony like those after school specials. But to a certain type of person, this film would play like an advertisement for sex and drugs (just as the most ardent anti-war film does double-duty as a recruitment video). There's something deeply absurd about a film written by someone who couldn't get in the theater to see it. The only answer, then, is for parents to see it, and to see it again with their children. I'll tell you, if I ever have a daughter, I will remember this film. At three in the morning on sleepless nights, I will remember this film.




Buy Thirteen Now!

Larry David Saves Lives

A while ago someone was murdered in Los Angeles. This little bit of news should not really surprise anybody. But the outcome of it all is quite interesting. Anyway, a suspect was found, a witness identified the guy, and the man was arrested. Of course this man said that he was innocent. He even had Dodgers tickets for the day and time of the murder, but no one could say for a fact that they saw this guy there. So the guy sat in jail awaiting his trial still saying that he was innocent. His lawyer kept asking him if there was anyone that could verify that he was at that game. He could not remember anything, until it came to him that they were taping some kind of TV show at the park that day. He remembered that it starred some bald guy and a large black woman dressed like a prostitute. It turns out that this show was the hilarious show "Curb Your Enthusiasm." Well the man's lawyer got a hold of the producers of the show, got the raw footage of the unaired show (I think it is for next season) and watched it. It turns out that you can clearly see the man sitting behind Larry David in multiple scenes. The lawyer took this new evidence to the prosecutor and the judge and all charges were dropped. The man is now a free man but without the Larry David he would be on trial for a murder that he did not commit, quite a scary idea if you ask me. That is why that from now on wherever I go, I am going to have a camera crew with me to document my whereabouts so I always have a credible alibi. And to get any hot, young, teen girl on tape so I can "review" it later.

The CrewBlog St. Valentine's Day Deathpool Update

So, in case you haven't heard, former U.S. President Ronald Reagan is dead at the age of 93. That means Jason, Brant, and I each have seven points in the CrewBlog St. Valentine's Day Deathpool. Keith and Jenna didn't put Reagan on their lists, so as far as I know, they're still at zero.

It took almost four months for the first person to die. We really suck at this.

Hockey Cards

The next time that any of you guys are in the black hole that is the Echelon Mall mosey on over to BC Sports Collectibles (my favorite store in the mall) and pick up a box of 1992-1993 Pro Set Hockey cards. The box contains 20 packs of 31 cards each and costs only $5.99, it is that cheap because nobody gives a shit about hockey anymore. It was funny when I bought the thing the guy looked at the price twice because it was so damn cheap. But anyway the six bucks are well worth the enjoyment you will get out of this set. First you get all of your favorite teams like the Minnesota North Stars, the Quebec Nordiques, the Winnipeg Jets and everyone's favorite lovable losers the Hartford Whalers!!! You also get to see your favorite players like Zalery Zalapski, Chris Terreri(?), Bob Essenssa(?) and many more that will keep you happy. You will also see your favorite players in different uniforms like Mats Sundin as a Nordique, JR as a Blackhawk, Tony Amonte as a Ranger and Ron Francis as a Whaler. You also get some great rookie cards like, Eric Lindros, Keith Tkachuk, Bill Guerin and Dean Macammond. You also get to see 90% of the Flyers players with "traded to Quebec" on the bottom of their cards. Seriously the box is only six bucks and you get 620 cards it is a pretty good deal and you could easily make your money back on resell value, but just looking at the cards is enough fun to justify the cash.

Rental Reviews: Timeline (2003)

Starring Paul Walker, Frances O'’Connor, Gerard Butler
Also Starring Billy Connolly, Anna Friel, David Thewlis
Screenplay by Jeff Maguire and George Nolfi
Based on the Novel by Michael Crichton
Directed by Richad Donner

If you regularly follow my blog writings, you may remember that I only wanted to see this film because Anna Friel was in it. I'’m not disappointed. She was absolutely lovely, as always. The movie, of course, was irredeemable garbage, but I pretty much knew that going in.

It'’s a shame, though, because the premise is quite promising. A shipping firm attempts to construct a machine to instantaneously transport objects from point to point, in a scheme to put FedEx out of business. For reasons no one understands, however, everything they attempt to transmit ends up in the same place, France. And not just France, but France in 1357.

When the film opens, we know nothing of any of this. The head of the shipping firm, Doniger (Thewlis) is underwriting an archeological dig located in France led by Prof. Johnston (Connolly). When Johnston doesn’t return, his son (Walker) and several of his students are summoned to see Doniger, where they discover that Johnston has become trapped in 1357. So, they all go after him.

Everything that happens up to this point is adequate enough. At this point, I was beginning to think that this film’'s reputation was wholly undeserved. But, once the action moves back to 1357, everything goes way downhill. As happens far too often, a decent premise is employed exclusively for a mindless action romp. Characters are captured, threatened, killed, they escape, run away, shout things like "“Come on!"” and "“We'’re running out of time!"” and do very little else.

That wouldn'’t be so bad if the cast were capable of adding anything, but with the exception of the lovely Anna Friel, none of them is memorable in the slightest. Okay, I also have a soft-spot for Billy Connolly dating back to his “"Head of the Class"” days, but that'’s neither here nor there. Unfortunately, the cast is all completely forgettable. Even Frances O’'Connor, who was very good in Spielberg’'s A.I. Artificial Intelligence, is an utter non-entity.

Another serious problem is the plot. It’'s got holes you cold drive a Mack truck through. The best has to be when everyone is so adamant that the French guy come with them back in time so he can translate for them. Ok, I don'’t really expect the film to do anything so pretentious as attempting to resurrect a long dead language (in this case, Norman French). But the film could hardly have made the anachronism more obvious if they had tried. If you must ignore certain inconvenient facts when making an historical movie, do so, but don'’t draw attention to it by resting plot points on the weak links. There are other plot holes along the lines of what you invariably find with time travel movies, but I won’'t get into it.

Easily, the worst part of the film is that it is simply dull. The characters are so non-engaging that we really don'’t care which of them lives and dies. This robs the film of any emotional weight any of the events might have had. The result is that the entire film is irretrievably inconsequential.




Buy Timeline Now!

Ladies' Night

As most of you know ladies' night is a night when bars and clubs either have reduced drink prices or free admission for women so their establishments are not complete sausage fests. In my opinion this is a good thing. But according to the state of New Jersey it is also illegal. According to the state it discriminates against men, and gives an unfair "advantage" to women. Of course it is a crock of shit, even Governor McGreevy has said so, but what can he do. So I guess this means that some bars will be complete cock parties and everyone can thank one man.

This "man" was at everyone's favorite lame bar The Coastline in Cherry Hill and they had a ladies night, so instead of getting excited by the prospect of desperate women plied with cheap liquor this jackass decides that he is going to complain. Complain all the way to the court. This sad, pathetic, lonely rent-boy made a court case about some $5 cover charge or some cheap watered down rum and coke (hold the rum) and ruined all of the fun for the other heterosexual men out there. I saw an interview with this "guy" on the news and he was talking about how women are complaining about "equal rights" and how they should have to pay what everyone else does. Again, he is right, but c'mon jackass why do you have to bitch about something so trivial, especially when it involves women drinking, and maybe losing their inhibitions and possibly taking your stank ass home and getting busy? This is the biggest cockblock in history. He should have his testicles reposessed.

Romania 3

Who's the dipshit? You're the dipshit. I think I can provide plenty of evidence if you'd like.

Update: Irina and I pretty much hate each other, but since Edy works from 8-6 everyday, I'm stuck hanging out with her. It's funny to hear you say that you're stuck hanging out with a beautiful woman, but she really is an incredible bitch. It's amazing, she puts every American woman to shame in the bitchiness department. We all went to a disco in a small Romanian village on Saturday night and I thought I was going to die. It was something out of Indiana Jones. It was also interesting to be in a disco at 3am and see 10 year olds. Keith woudl love it.

On Friday we're leaving for a 16 hour trip. We'll see two beautiful castles, including Dracula's. Everything else here is for shit. My bathroom has a pulldown handle like they had in the 1930s. Also as of 30 minutes ago, I had no hot water. The food here is pretty good suprisingly. Edy's mother is a great cook.

Out.

Rental Reviews: 21 Grams (2003)

Starring Sean Penn, Benicio Del Toro, Naomi Watts
Written by Guillermo Arriaga
Directed by Alejandro González Iñárritu

21 Grams requires the viewer to do a great deal of work. It’s one of those movies that tells its story through a disjointed chronology, but it’s the most extreme example of the technique I’ve ever seen. Interestingly, the film was shot chronologically, probably to assist the actors. This is an emotionally wrenching film, and chronological shooting would probably make it much easier for the actors to hit the appropriate levels.

Or rather, to hit what the appropriate levels would have been if the film had been edited chronologically. One of the problems in disjointed films like this is that it’s difficult to craft a dynamic emotional arc. In a film like Memento it doesn’t matter much, because the main character can’t build an emotional arc either. It also doesn’t matter because Memento tells a story that couldn’t possibly be told chronologically. The story of 21 Grams could be told chronologically, and I wish I could have seen it that way.

Of course, the editing does put the big emotional events in approximately the same place they would have been. In other words, the beginning of the story is shown at the beginning of the film, but there are a few scenes from later in the story shown first. And the big climax happens at the end of the film, but we’ve already seen a lot of what comes after it. All this is to be expected from a disjointed chronology film, but where it gets frustrating is in that it prevents you from getting a grip on the characters. You get different facts about each character, but you don’t know what order they go in.

Of course, you work it out as the film goes on, but while you’re working it out, you’re not involved in what’s happening. It has all the emotional impact of an archeological dig. These characters are living and dying, loving each other and killing each other, and all you can do is “study” them to try to make a coherent story out of the fragmented evidence you find. And it’s a terrible shame, because the story is tremendously powerful, I think, but by the time you work out what it is, you’ve missed it.

Perhaps it needs to be seen more than once. It wouldn’t be the first movie to demand repeat viewings. And I would like to see it a second time, because I suspect that it will be a completely different movie. But I must confess that the first viewing very much left me cold.

On the other hand, the performances of the three leads were all tremendous. Sean Penn and Benicio Del Toro have long been favorites of mine, but Naomi Watts was just as good. I’ve seen a little of her work before, most memorably in The Ring, but she’s on my radar now.



Buy 21 Grams Now!

Job Mutha Fucka

For all y'all who wear fanny packs...and pony tails...I got a job. I will be the new biology teacher at Vineland High School. It is a bit of a haul but I will take what I can get. I do not have all of the particulars at this point, I just got the job tonight, but I will go before the board on June ninth and then will get the details after that. I will keep you all updated.

This means that if anybody out there wants a date with a girl much younger than they are that just comment here and I will see what I can do in September. I am looking in your general direction Rob.

P.S. You can all now go fuck yourselves.

Rental Reviews: In America (2002)

Starring Paddy Considine, Samantha Morton, Sarah Bolger, Emma Bolger, Djimon Hounsou
Written by Jim Sheridan & Naomi Sheridan & Kirsten Sheridan
Directed by Jim Sheridan

In America tells a semi-autobiographical story about a family of Irish immigrants trying to start a new life in New York City. The film opens with an ethereal voiceover by Christy, who talks about her little brother Frankie. As the film unfolds, we learn that Frankie died about a year ago in Ireland at the age of five. Throughout the film, Christy “talks” to Frankie, who she imagines as a sort of guardian angel, and asks him to help when things are looking bad.

Frankie is very much the heart of this film, despite the fact that he barely appears in the film. The parents, Johnny (Considine) and Sarah (Morton) try to put on a happy face for their daughters Kristy and Ariel (real-life sisters Sarah and Emma Bolger), but there’s no denying that the family is barely holding itself together.

Johnny is a struggling actor (like many, he struggles more than he acts). Since Frankie’s death, he’s completely lost his faith in God, and he seems incapable of experiencing a genuine emotion. His professional work is suffering as a result, so he can’t find a job. Sarah is waiting tables to try to make ends meet, but she harbors a secret resentment towards Johnny over Frankie’s death. They are both trying to look happy for the sake of their daughters, but Christy and Sarah are far less damaged then they are.

It’s a film about a family facing a devastating emotional loss and going on with their lives together. It’s also about an immigrant family trying to start a new life with almost no money in New York City. The plot of the film doesn’t center around external events so much as it focuses on how each member of the family is dealing with Frankie’s death.

Everything that happens in the film has something to do, somehow or another, with Frankie. When Sarah gets pregnant again (after being told that she could never have another child), the unborn child immediately begins to get confused with Frankie, especially in Sarah’s mind. When Christy and Ariel meet and befriend a neighbor slowly dying from HIV, this again brings up memories of Frankie, who died slowly from a brain tumor. And, when the family is in a truly desperate predicament, as in the opening sequence when it looks like they’ll be turned away at the border, Christy calls on Frankie directly for aid.

The film is emotionally devastating, but it’s not sad. It is extremely powerful, and the ending is dynamite, but it’s on the whole a film about a family emerging from despair with a new bond of strength and love. Ad it’s also a film about how children can be so much stronger, so much wiser, and so much more mature than we ever give them credit for. For instance, Sarah’s pregnancy is difficult, and it’s not unlikely that either she or the baby, or both, will die. Johnny tries to comfort Christy, but she ends up comforting him. There is a moment where this point hits home with such intensity that it’s almost overpowering.

Obviously, this is what you might call a “heavy” film. But thanks to the two young girls, who seem capable of finding the joy in everything, it doesn’t feel like a “heavy” film at all. It is an uplifting film, most of all, and a joyous expression of resilience and strength.




Buy In America Now!

Pet Peeve #2,479

Since at least Sunday there has been a flyer up in my town advertising a moving sale "today". Coming home from work just now, I noticed the flyer was still there. Now, I don't know when this moving sale was, but I'm pretty damn sure it wasn't "today".

I first saw the sign on Sunday, and I'm in the market for a decent used bicycle, but I didn't pay it any attention because I assumed that "today" did not mean "today". If the moving sale was last Sunday, those people lost a potential customer.

So, whenever you're putting up a flyer advertising some event, ALWAYS use a date. Never use words or phrases that won't mean the same thing the day after you write them.

And it wouldn't kill you to have the common courtesy to remove your flyers when they are no longer relevant.

Off in Romania I

Dear Jackoffs:

Romania is great, although I probably won't be buying absynthe or anything anytime soon. I have my own flat here, which is kind of a dumb, but it's less expensive for my stay than being in a hotel. It's really cool living in a foreign city. So far, I've seen a lot of the city with Edy and her sister Irina. We went to a small village outside of Bucharest where her grandmother lives. It's a completely different lifestyle than anything over there; very simple. It's much more of a sense of family and community, which is great.

I found a cheap internet cafe, so hopefully I'll be in touch on a somewhat daily basis. It cost 15000 lei, or less than $.50 for a half an hour.

I have plenty of pictures, which I'll post once I get home. Today, I'm waiting for Irina to finish her exam at around 3:30 and then we'll find something to do. Edy and Irina's parents crack me up, all they do is want me to eat. Their parents don't know any English at all, but we manage. Their father is hysterical, as he's your stereotypical Russian father (big, loud, intimidating). When Edy and Irina are busy, I usually end up playing chess with her father. He's about 1000 times better than me, but he usually keeps it competitive.

My grasp of the Romanian language is horrible. They have a few sounds that English doesn't. Apparantly the word for "tomorrow" has one of these sounds, and when I say it with the closest English equivalent, it means blowjob.

Needless to say, I am figuring out a way to say this word more often.

I hope you all rot in hell
Hugs and Kisses
Dr. Uncle Dr. Traveling Mosco, Ph.D.

P.S. Brant, congratulations on the wedding going smoothly. When I get back I want to see some pictures.

P.P.S. It's nice when you're in an internet cafe with kids who are in junior high and Enimen is on cursing every other word.

P.P.P.S. Jay would love this place, as every other block there is a stand selling porno mags, and they're uncovered so you can preview the goods.

Theater Excursions: Troy

Starring Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom, Brian Cox, Eric Bana, Diane Kruger
Also Starring Peter O’Toole, Sean Bean, Rose Byrne
Screenplay by David Benioff
Based on “The Iliad” by Homer
Directed by Wolfgang Petersen

Big budget historical war drama with a great cast: what could possibly go wrong? Quite a bit, actually. With a movie like this, there’s a lot that you know going in. It’s going to be big, it’s going to be beautiful, and there’s going to be lots of CGI battle sequences. That was all true. But what this film most desperately needed was a good script.

Despite the talented cast, most of the actors in this film were not able to breathe any life into the turgid, stilted dialogue. Even Brad Pitt, who is an actor that I have come to admire a great deal, was terrible in this film. But, in his defense, he had very little to work with. His character, Achilles, had very little personality, and many of his actions were completely unmotivated. It comes across very clearly that he wanted to be immortalized as a great warrior, but that’s about all. He has a strange relationship with a young priestess of Apollo named Briseis (Byrne). Apparently, he’s supposed to have some sort of genuine affection for this girl, but why? Where does that come from? No explanation is provided for why or how a notorious womanizer like Achilles suddenly falls in love with this one girl.

But, script-wise, the worst part of the film is clearly the opening, where Paris (Bloom) and Helen (Kruger) decide to run off together to Troy, despite the fact that this would start a bloody and devastating war. The love affair between these two violates one of the most important rules of film-making, which is to show, don’t tell. We are told hat these two people are in love, and have been in love for, oh, at least a few days prior to the opening of the film. But it doesn’t come across on an emotional level. It’s a plot point, and a bad one at that. If you want to take the gods out of the story, you have to provide motivation for events that, in the original epic poems, were motivated directly by the gods. Originally, Helen and Paris were matched up by the gods somehow. In the movie version, they decide to run off together despite the fact that they know this will start a war costing thousands of lives. It’s not very sympathetic toward them. Unfortunately, if you don’t buy the whole Paris and Helen thing, then you’re missing the entire premise of the film. It’s not a good way to start.

The film isn’t all bad, and the cast isn’t entirely bad either. Far from it. In smaller roles, Sean Bean and the great Peter O’Toole put in fine performances. Sean Bean’s Odysseus is one of the few genuinely likable characters in the film. O’Toole’s Priam is a tragic character, and a damn fool, but O’Toole’s performance engenders a great deal of sympathy. The best performance in the film comes from Eric Bana as Hector. Bana was also very good in last year’s obscenely under-rated Hulk. If he can stay away from these big-budget pictures that underperform at the box office, he might be able to carve out a good career for himself.

Anyway, if you’re in the mood for a big, bold, beautiful, but painfully shallow film, then Troy is for you. It’s basically your typical summer blockbuster: well-made, good cast, great visuals, and utter crap. I don’t know why I allow myself to get excited about thee duds year after year. I really do feel like an idiot for shelling out my hard-earned (and all too scarce) money to see this thing. I should have known better. The centerpiece of the advertising was the shot of the “thousand ships”, and lots of quick shots of various people fighting one another. That’s all this movie has. Skip it.

Wedding Wrap-Up

Boy, I'm tired. When I got home early this afternoon, I was dead tired. I napped for a while, which was an absolute necessity.

The wedding yesterday was fantastic. It was a beautiful outdoor ceremony. I was a little worried about bugs. While we were getting pictures taken before the ceremony, bugs were all over the damn place. I was worried about stadning there throughout the ceremony and having bugs all over the damn place, but they knew better apparently.

The ceremony itself was lovely. It was traditional enough to satisfy people who insist on doing things the way different did them some time in the past, but everything had Brant's and Jenn's fingerprints on it. It was their wedding, just like it should have been.

After the ceremony, the party started, and it never let up. Everyone had a fantastic time. We had great food, plenty of drinks, lots of dancing all night long. Afterwards, we kept it going back at the hotel.

Anyway, everyone had a blast, and most impotantly, Brant and Jenn got married. Best wishes to the two of you. Congratulations, and thanks for inviting us to the best damn party ever. Although, honestly, beer pong would have been cool.

Rob, send me the choicest pictures, and I'll post them.

This is the wedding party minus the bride and groom. Each groomsman is standing over the bridesmaid with whom he has been paired. From left to right we have Beth and Ande, Karen and Ryan, Megan and me, and Taryn and Rob. I look a little menacing standing over Megan like that, don't I? She looks a little scared too, truth be told. I don't know what I thought I looked like when that picture was taken, but this wasn't it.

This is the happy couple. This picture was taken after dinner at Casa Bella. Take a look at Brant, everyone. This is the result of $150 worth of tanning. Wow.

The Blogging of the Wedding II

Check the time stamp. It's been a great night. It's just been me, Brant, Rob, and Ryan hanging out, shooting the shit, having a great time. It's all coming to a close now, and it's a good thing, because we've got a big day tomorrow. But I cannot explain half of the crazy shit that was going on. When I say that, I know what you're thinking. But it was nothing like that. It's just been four guys who've known each other forever getting together and having a good time together. I laughed harder tonight than I have in a long, long time.

Before we got back to the hotel, we had the rehearsal dinner. We ate at a beautiful resaurant called Casa Bella, and the food was superb. Now, you know me, and I'm not one for fancy ass food, but this was good shit. Plus, we were in a big group... Brant's parents and grandmother, Jenn's parents and uncle, Rob the Best Man, Taryn the Maid of Honor, three ushers and three bride's maids. We've got pictures, which I'll try to post when I can figure out how to shrink the file sizes a bit.

We're all really looking forward to the ceremony tomorrow. It's going to be a great day. So, I'm gonna get some sleep. I'll check back later.

The Blogging of the Wedding

We're here, and we have internet access. I'm blogging to you right now from Parsippany, NJ. Rob and I are in our room at the Holiday Inn. We'll be leaving soon to go to the rehearsal dinner. We haven't seen anyone so far except Brant's parents and brother, but it's supposed to be a big crowd for the dinner, so we'll see everyone there.

I don't know how often I'll be able to blog, but I'll do what I can. Also, Rob has his digital camera, so I'll try to upload some pictures. No promises.

Go Flyers!

Off to Romania

I leave in about 2 hours for Romania. Fun times. I have deliberately not planned many activities, so it should be quite the adventure. Anyway, I have been a shitty contributor to the Crewblog, but I will do my best to update you on my travels.

Call me Uncle Traveling Mosco.

Itinerary:
2:45pm - 3:50pm Madison to Minneapolis
6:00pm - 9:15am Minneapolis to Amsterdam
10:45am - 2:30pm Amsterdam to Bucharest

Let's hope none of those planes crash.

Rental Reviews: Pieces of April (2003)

Starring Katie Holmes, Derek Luke, Patricia Clarkson, Oliver Platt
Written and Directed by Peter Hedges

One of the unfortunate side effects of having such a huge movie industry in this country is that all too often, smaller and better films get completely overlooked by the massive, roaring special effects spectaculars that assault us each week. This film was made for $200,000 and shot on a digital camera. It is not a great film, but it is good in a quiet, simple way. It tells a small story about a family trying to put their differences aside and enjoy Thanksgiving together.

There are two primary strands to the plot. In her small, grubby apartment on the Lower East Side, April (Holmes) has to feel her way through preparing her first Thanksgiving dinner. To assist her, she has her boyfriend Bobby (Luke), and little else. Clearly, she has reservations about what she’s doing, and doubts that her family will even come. Bobby doesn’t understand April’s family situation, and assures her that everything will be fine.

We do understand April’s situation, because the second plot strand follows April’s family as they make the drive to visit her. Soon enough, we begin to share April’s doubts. No one in that car has anything good to say about April. Her dying mother (Clarkson) is convinced that they are heading for a disaster. Her siblings are certainly less than enthusiastic about the trip. Her father (Platt) is optimistic, but admittedly has no reason to be.

The movie continues in this manner for most of its 81 minutes. April’s oven/stove (she doesn’t know which is which) is broken, so she has to search through her apartment building to find someone willing to help her. Meanwhile, Bobby has to leave to follow his own subplot, which doesn’t accomplish much accept to set up a joke later on. As for the Burnses, as they get closer and closer to April’s apartment, the audience understands better and better the nature of their family dysfunction, and the sense of dread increases to the point where a shot of the Holland Tunnel has all the tension and suspense of a Hitchcock thriller.

Comedy is sprinkled generously throughout the film. The Burns family has a lot in common with the Bundys of “Married With Children”, except that their dysfunction is played straight. It’s still funny, but it’s played straight. There’s also an interesting mix of sympathy and meanness. April’s mother, Joy, is dying of cancer. She is also unforgivably mean. The film is dedicated to writer/director Peter Hedges mother, who died of cancer, but Joy isn’t written as a just a sympathetic character. There are sympathetic touches throughout, but that nastiness is too overt to be ignored or explained away. This juxtaposition is indicative of the complex relationships that make the script and the film so successful.

Lastly, a word about Derek Luke. I have now seen and been impressed by him in two films: this one and Spartan. His first film was Antwone Fisher, which I haven’t seen but certainly will now. This guy is the real thing. In both of his films that I’ve seen, he’s played characters that could easily have been forgettable clichés. He’s been helped by great scripts that either avoid or actively subvert those clichés. But he has shown himself to be capable of creating fully-realized three-dimensional characters. His career is going to be one to watch.

Buy Pieces of April Now!

Tony Randall

As I am sure most of you have heard Tony Randall of "Odd Couple" fame died this week (I wonder if anybody had him in the death pool?). I used to watch the Odd Couple years ago and right now I frankly do not remember it. I am sure that he was funny. I certainly found him funny on his many guest gigs on Letterman. But I am not going to discuss Tony Randall the actor, I want to discuss Tony Randall the father.

You see Tony Randall did not have children until late in life...really late in life...really really late in life. All right, the guy waited until he was 78 years old to have his first child. Of course his wife was in her early 30's when she had the children, and I give him a big old pat on the back for that one, but he was 78. That is ridiculous. Why would anyone be so selfish and have a kid knowing full well that you will not be around to raise a it? Good for him for being able to get it up and still get down with your lady at that age without killing yourself, but having a kid that late in life is just plain arrogant. What kind of life is this kid going to have? When Tony Randall died this week his oldest kid was 6 years old. Good for you Tony, you got to experience the miracle of life and now your child is going to be fatherless, and probably have no memory of you whatsoever. The kid is lucky that his "father" was an actor and probably well off financially, so the mother is not screwed and raising the child by herself but she is going to have to be both the mother and the father to this impressionable tyke.

Let's play devil's advocate for a second here and assume that Tony Randall would have lived long enough to see his child graduate high school. He still could not have done anything with the kid. He could not have gone out and played catch with it. He could not have rolled around on the floor and wrestled with the kid. Basically he could not do anything that a "normal" father could/should do. What I am trying to say here is that while his intentions may have been good, the execution was horrible. He was being selfish and arrogant by having children so late in life and now there are two(I believe he had a second one more recently) children out there asking where their old father is.

The Steak Is Over

Philadelphia sports fans are getting really fucking desperate. As most of you should know by now Smarty Jones is two-thirds of the way through the Triple Crown races. All he needs to do is win the Belmont Stakes in three weeks and he will be the first horse since Affirmed in 1978 to win the triple crown, the first since Seattle Slew in 1977 to go undefeated and surpass Cigar as the richest horse in history. Smarty Jones is based out of Philadelphia Park (which, surprisingly, is not in Philly) and many Philly sports fans have taken a great interest in the horse. There has even been talk of having a parade down Broad Street if he does win the Triple Crown. There has also been a great deal of talk, mainly on 610, that if he does win the Triple Crown then the Philly Championship drought will finally end. This is complete and utter horseshit, pun intended. And I will tell you why: IT IS A FUCKING HORSE!!!!!!

The last team to win a championship in this town was the Sixers in 1983. I was five, I certainly do not remember it, and I am sure that nobody else out there remembers it as well. So in my mind I have never experienced the joy of one of my hometown teams celebrating victory. There are only four teams that can break the streak, the Phils, Eagles, Sixers and Flyers. That is it, no horse. No heavyweight champion. No Phantoms, Wings, Soul, Kixx or whatever minor sports team this city holds. Only the four majors. Smarty Jones is a great story and I wish him all the luck in the world but if he wins and there is a parade, I am not getting my ass out of bed to see it. And if the Flyers blow it this year then the streak continues and I switch my hopes onto the Phils then the Eagles then the Sixers and Flyers and so on, until my heart is filled with joy. Which will never happen.

P.S. Today is Ayatollah Khomeini's birthday so everybody please wish that fine gentleman a happy birthday.

Rental Reviews: House of Sand and Fog (2003)

Starring Jennifer Connolly, Ben Kingsley, Ron Eldard, Shoreh Aghdashloo
Written by Vadim Perelman
Based on the Novel by Andre Dubus III
Directed by Vadim Perelman

Whenever I talk to someone about this movie, the first thing they tell me is “Depressing”. And, well, yes, I suppose it is depressing. But, damn, that’s a pretty feeble description, isn’t it?

The film tells the story of Cathy Niccolo (Connolly), a woman who has a pretty difficult time keeping her life together. She is evicted from her house for failure to pay taxes which she didn’t owe. But, she never dealt with the situation, so she gets kicked out. At the same time, Col. Behrani (Kingsley) is working multiple menial jobs to help keep his Iranian immigrant family together. He buys Kathy’s house for a ridiculously low amount and plans to sell it at market price.

Both of these people are desperately trying to keep their lives together. Behrani is trying to keep is family from discovering how he makes his money, or how little money he has. Kathy has been separated from her husband for eight months and can’t bring herself to tell her mother. Thrown into the mix is Lester (Eldard), a cop who sympathizes with Kathy and tries to assist her in getting her home back.

Over the course of the film, these characters again and again make bad choices. These bad choices compound one another in ways that turn a problem into a tragedy. There are no good guys and bad guys, as is the case in most of the best dramas. Kathy originally looks like a loser. It’s easy to feel sympathy for her, but it’s hard not to blame her also. Behrani originally seems a bit harsh and unbending. We grow to appreciate what he’s trying to do, but his attitude clearly aggravates the situation at key moments. Finally, there is Lester, who isn’t even directly involved, but manages to do the most damage.

What makes this film work so well is that we come to understand perfectly what motivates these characters, even though their actions are clearly unwise. The trick with a movie like this is to be very careful to establish the pressures affecting the characters, so that their actions can be judged in the context of a person who probably isn’t thinking too clearly. If a character makes a stupid and unmotivated choice, not only does the audience loe sympathy with the character, but the plot appears more contrived. In this film, all the characters behave in believable ways, and we understand why they don’t have the perspective to see the foolishness of their decisions.

Connolly and Kingsley both put in superb performances. The script is fantastic in the way it juggles Kathy’s and Behrani’s stories together, building sympathy for them simultaneously. The script also gets a lot of credit for addressing cultural issues (religion, nationality, etc.) without letting them dominate the film. This film uses anti-Arab racism to elicit sympathy for Behrani without resorting to stereotypical Hollywood racism (which is defined as “drooling, mindless rage directed at any minority character portrayed by an actor getting above-the-title billing”). The racism in this film is all too common, and all too subtle. In a wonderful moment early in the film, Behrani walks through a fancy hotel wearing his grubby construction work outfit, and carrying his suit in a garment bag so he can wash and change in the bathroom before returning home. The manager says “May I help you?” He replies “My car is parked here. You asked yesterday also.”

The most remarkable thing about this film is that it was written, produced, and directed by first-time filmmaker Vadim Perelman. I’ll be very interested to see how he follows up this tremendous debut.

Buy House of Sand and Fog Now!

Spelling Bee

This is an idea that is so bad that we have to do it. It involves betting on the Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee I say that we get together on June 3rd at Brant's, or Rob's or Jamie's...oh, wait a second, omit that last one. I know that it is on a Thursday but I cannot think of a better reason for people to call out of work, get some beer and some wings and have a rollicking good time. Anyway, I am stealing this word for word from the June issue of FHM.

Step 1: Print out lists of all the eligible dictionary huggers from www.spellingbee.com

Step 2: At 10 A.M. on June 3rd, watch the prelims on ESPN2 and size up the fillies for the upcoming auction. As spellers are eliminated laugh when they start to cry.

Step 3: After the prelims, it's time to put up your cash. Each kid is auctioned off one at a time, with gamblers paying whatever letter mongers they think have a shot at taking it all.

Step 4: As coverage of the finals kicks in at 1 P.M. on ESPN, cheer for the kids you've bought, then yell things like "Why are you so dumb?" when they misspell "staphylococci." Whoever owns the eventual Bee champ gets 75% of the auction money, with the rest going to the person who bought the runner-up. Others win nothing but the sense of warmth that comes from betting on socially awkward adolescents.

this sounds like a bad idea, and it probably is. But what the hell do we have to do that is better than this. Besides it gives us a chance to get together and have some beer and bad food and feed our crippling addiction to gamblehol. Two people got that joke.